helo^^. this is my second time using this forum, i rly appreciate the first time i was helped learned a lot!
i nid help checking over this essay for minor grammar mistakes, fallacies (most important), and general coherence and structure. TY!
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Topic-Are Academics a top priority at XXX? (XX= my school)
Without academic excellence, most students nowadays are squeezed out of the competition for post-secondary education or quality careers: all for the purpose of pursing a better life. In order to achieve academic excellence, students need the support from their parents, as well as their "outside parents" - teachers and counselors. Students also require a school that provides an excellent learning environment and prioritizes in academics. XXX, however, is not a school that promotes academic focus and excellence; it has too many school activities that interrupt daily schedule, and teachers that care little about the general direction students are heading.
Teachers are the most important factor in the quality of a school. Teachers educate students, who initially knows almost nothing, to intellectuals who are knowledgeable, excel in critical thinking, and able to communicate effectively and efficiently. However, not all students are eager to sit through an hour of lecture on electron behaviors. It is up to the teacher to encourage and discipline the students into absorbing knowledge and understanding the course materials. While some teachers at XXX are very dedicated to their students, other teachers are more concerned with getting through the curriculum than whether their students are actually keeping up. "How well you do in school doesn't affect my life" can be heard all too often from some teachers. Indeed, students' decision to work hard or relax through the year impact only on their own lives, but shouldn't the teachers be more concerned in the growth of students? Granted, teachers at XXX have a large amount of students; it is very difficult to focus on any individual students. Nonetheless, comparing with other schools that have enriched programs, teachers at XXX does not pursue persistently after students for missing assignments or tests, nor do they heartily warn the students when their grades take a nose dive. This gets to a point when delinquent students either skips school or do nothing in school. Without responsible teachers to put them back on the right track, their future is on a high wire. Therefore, teachers at XXX should focus more on their students' growth.
Frequent interruptions of school events also divert the academic focus in XXX. Extra-curricular activities and school assemblies often takes away precious school time. School trips and sport competitions led to exploitations by many students to miss a day or more of class, even during critical times such as the exams period. "Skipping" was never such an enthusiastic term. Some may argue that extra-curricular activities help the students to become more socially active. Indeed. XXX does have an abundance of clubs and events that are both interactive and educational, and being socially active is something everyone should strive for. But XXX should better promote time management of students, and prioritizes academics over extra-curricular activities. The top students excel in both academics and social involvement. For the majority of students at XXX, too many extra-curricular activities often do more harm than good. For example, the school band requires students to attend periodically for practice for a long period of time after school. This gives little time for students to complete and review homework and assignments, or preparing for upcoming examinations. In the sake of pursuing personal interests, students neglect the primary purpose of attending school: to get education. XXX should continue to operate extra-curricular activities and school events, but it should encourage more on studying.
While it is true that teachers and the school's approach to education determine the academic focus in XXX, XXX students are often influential on the academic environment as well. Unfortunately, academics are rarely concerns for the majority of XXX students. Students are more interested in discussing what happened on the latest episode of "Prison Break" than talking about schoolwork. The few discussions arose regarding to schoolwork are mostly complains about an excess amount of homework or assignments. In reality, the amount of homework and assignments, and the difficulty of course materials covered are infinitesimal comparing to that of enriched programs or schools in the states; it is indeed pathetic. Although students are becoming more aware of academics' importance as they grow older, it is far from enough. Students in XXX should realize that high school is only a stairway, preparing them for post-secondary education. Few students will be truly prepared when they reach post-secondary education, which has a colossal amount of workloads comparing to that of high schools. However, this is mainly parents' and the board of education's fault. According to a recent education policy proposal, "parents [should] not keep children up past their bedtime, even if the homework is not complete. Teachers should not punish a child who does not finish an assignment on time." This is not a good idea. Homework and assignments not only educate the students, but they help them to develop good work habits. Without strict teachers and parents, students do not feel the need to do well in school, and eventually perform poorly in post-secondary schools or in the work place.
In a society dominated by competitions between peers, students at XXX do not receive a head start because of relaxed teachers, ubiquitous school activities, and a discouraging learning environment. Unless teachers and parents start to pay more attention in students' education, their future competitions in the society and the job market looks grim.
I think your paragraphs are appropriate lengths; if you divide the essay further you risk making the flow too choppy and therefore distracting to your readers. Your conclusion works because it effectively restates your main points discussed in the paper; if you add new information in it to add length, then it will no longer be a conclusion paragraph. As far as fallacies, you back up your opinions with examples, therefore substantiating your assertions. Why do you think it is weak? The only weakness I can spot is the fact you use in the paper that needs a citation to strengthen it.
Regards,
Gloria
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