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Ielts academic writing task 2: What is an ideal society? How people can achieve it?

nguyenngochuyen 1 / -  
Nov 22, 2016   #1
I'm learning Ielts on my own. Can anyone who took the test already give me some estimated band scores I can get for this essay? I'd appreciate if you could mark it on 4 critirion in writing task 2: task achievement, coherence and cohesion,

lexical resource, grammatical range and accuracy.

Throughout history, people have dreamed about perfect society, but they have not agreed what an ideal society is. What do you think the most important elements to have perfect society in the modern world? How people can achieve an ideal society?

People have different views about what and how society can be ideal. I think there are some significant factors that lead to the perfection of society, and people need to act to build an exemplar society.

A perfect society can be associated with various elements. Firstly, a standard society is where all people have access to relevant education in order to seek for a good job that suits them most. Because education gives people knowledge and skills, those with qualifications are more likely to work easily. This helps to decrease the unemployment rate and contributes to a wealthier society. Secondly, people's health should be one of the top priorities of both governments and citizens. Since science and technology are well-developed in this modern world, it is possible for people to come up with new remedies for uncured diseases. Additionally, a place where homeless people are provided with accommodation and underprivileged children have opportunities to go to school normally is worth looking for.

However, feasible measures need to be taken to make a favourable society become more realistic. The government can run several campaigns to raise public awareness about the importance of education. For instance, many educational talks aimed at students studying at school by motivational speakers are held annually by the local council, which can encourage and keep youngsters motivated to pursue their chosen career path. Besides, individuals are responsible for paying enough taxes to the governments. This allows the authorities to spend money on key sectors such as education, healthcare, public transport and infrastructure. New and strict laws also need to be introduced by the bodies to control offenders who are threatened to residents' lives, ones that commit crimes should be heavily fined to deter others.

In conclusion, I believe that an ideal society can be gained if both governments and individuals put much their effort together in creating a greater life.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,636 2524  
Nov 22, 2016   #2
Hi Nguyen, let me start by offering you a possible band score for your Task Accuracy. Due to lack of proper paraphrasing of the original prompt, I believe that your score for that section of the test will only be a 5. The reason being there is a lack of clear overview. As for the coherence and cohesion part, you could probably get either a 5 or 6. In my opinion, your work is a clear six because you were able to arrange your thoughts in a logical and coherent discussion manner. However, the cohesion has problems at times because you are trying to discuss too many ideas in one paragraph. Separating the discussion ideas into separate paragraphs could create a more coherent and cohesive discussion on your part. Now, for the Lexical Resource, I think you will get another 5 because your language is simple enough to get your explanations across but not complex enough to show a higher English grammar ability. Finally, with regards to the Grammar Range and accuracy, you could score either a 5 or 6 again. You do make some grammatical errors in both structure and punctuation but luckily, the errors are not so major that it detracts from the ideas you are presenting. Your sentences and paragraphs are still understandable in its simplest form. Keep in mind that my scores are just estimates of what you could possible get in an actual test. The actual reviewer may have a different point of view from mine and thus, the scores you get will be different and more official in terms of rating your work in the actual test.
SYDA 11 / 21 2  
Nov 22, 2016   #3
I read your writing. I think u have not idea about basic format.

Introduction: write within 60 words. paraphrase must here ...u can paraphrase here with synonyms or sentence structure.

Body1: write within 85 words or more. and sate one topic sentence ..then details.

conclusion:write within 45 words. summary .
ifraanisa05 44 / 70 6  
Nov 28, 2016   #4
Hi, here are my thoughts towards your essay

- first, for your introductory paragraph, you have to make some paraphrases of the prompt and give your general statement that you want to discuss in your next paragraph

- in your body paragraph, you have to create a main idea, explanation, example and result
- last, in conclusion, you may add your suggestion. at least try to create 2-3 sentences per paragraph

.... and people need to act to build an exemplarexemplary society.
noun phrase. consider to change exemplar (noun) into adjective

... offenders who are threatened towith residents' lives, ones ...

- you have a good control in grammar
Good luck!

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