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academic essay for the important assessment of the English Curriculum.


Keng 39 / 134  
Sep 28, 2009   #1
Can anyone help revise the essay and give me some feedback to prepare myself for the final essay

Teacher assigns me this topic to evaluate my writing skills before the final essay examination

An essay question is

Many people believe that wealthy nations should give financial and expert assistance to less-developed countries. What is your opinion? Give reasons

In my view, it is beneficial for rather-poor countries to receive financial and expert aids from developed nations. The reasons are to provide the standard of living for people, support the good governance and also escalate the efficiency of the local non-government organizations. By following these, the underdeveloped countries have the same development standard as the developed countries.

In the first place, a high standard of education will enable people to have a job with a good salary. As you know, the underdeveloped countries always do not have enough teachers, places for studying and facilities to favor self-learning. If these original things are replaced with better ones from the developed countries, they will have a better opportunity to educate their people so that they can work for multinational corporations.

In the second place, In addition to creating good education for citizens, new democratic approaches for the government will bring about the prosperity and stability. In Africa, many countries which lack of democracy are ruled by the junta. To solve these problems, the developed nations have to send professionals to the underdeveloped countries to establish a politic school to educate everyone who want to enter the politic arena; hence, they can become a good ruler of the country.

Finally, beyond the government support, the local non government organization will get full scholarship fund for its people to study abroad, and then apply modern knowledge to develop their own countries. For example, Thai environmentalists responsible for the global warming as a result of the car emissions are selected and qualified to get a scholarship to continue Master Degree or Doctorate in the developed countries. After graduation, The Thai environmentalists will take new knowledge about how to reduce the emissions to cope with the pollution problems in Thailand.

To sum up, the prospects for developing the less-developed countries are possible if the fully-developed nations are willing to give aids. The better living standard is not enough; both the government and the non-government organization must be considered and changed after all to keep up with the advancement of the developed countries.

EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 29, 2009   #2
This is pretty good for an English competency exam, which I assume this is as it has absolutely nothing to do with assessing any English curriculum. Here are a few grammatical fixes:

...to receive financial aid and expert assistance from...

The reasons areSuch aid can help to provide...

As you know ,
Never shift suddenly into second-person like this. You're not writing to any particular person.

In Africa, many countries which lack of democracy are ruled by the juntas .

To sum up, the prospects for developing the less-developed countries are improved if the fully-developed nations are willing to give aids.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Sep 29, 2009   #3
Thank you for your feedback.

Your advice help me a lot to evaluate my writing skill.

For grammaratical errors, i try to read English texts to favor writing better English paragraphs.


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