Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

IELTS Academic - Task 1 - review my writing relating to fast food consumption in Australia


RajatSharma1 1 / 1  
Apr 28, 2016   #1
"The given line graph displays the trends of consumption of different types of fast foods by teenagers from Australia between 1975 and 2000. The overall trend shows that more numbers of hamburgers and pizza were eaten in 2000 than in 1975 but when it comes to Fish and Chip, the intake of it by teenagers went down in the span of 25 years.

In 1975, Fish and Chip were consumed 100 times by Australian teenagers and it stood at the top in terms of popularity whereas hamburgers and pizza were eaten less than 10 times annually.

Thereafter, the consumption of pizza and hamburgers grew steadily until 1995. It can be seen that the growth in terms of eating stopped for Pizza in 1995 and there was hardly any change until 2000. In contrast to data relating to Pizza, hamburgers showed continuous increase in popularity even after 1995. In 2000, hamburgers were the most popular fast food and were consumed almost 20 times more than pizza.

With respect to fish and chip, it lost the ground after 1985. The fall was very significant and steep from 1985 to 2000. Fish and Chip was eaten less number of times by the year 1980 if we compare the consumption data of 1980 with that of 1975.Though it showed a slight rise in the span of 5 years until 1985, the intake nosedived therefrom. In 2000, it was consumed barely 40 times in a year."



OP RajatSharma1 1 / 1  
Apr 28, 2016   #2
Dear Community members, I am waiting for your valuable feedback.
adhesti 3 / 10  
Apr 28, 2016   #3
hamburgers showed a continuous increase

I think you grammar is good...
ainirere /  
Apr 29, 2016   #4
The given line graph displays the trends of
that more numbers of hamburgers and pizza

in 2000 are higher than
Mimi07 9 / 15 2  
May 1, 2016   #5
Hi RajatSharma, please allow me give you some suggestions

1. teenagers from Australia between 1975 and 2000.

2.The overall trend shows that >>> Overall, it can be seen that

3. I think you need grouping the data, example:

The overall trend shows that more numbers of hamburgers and pizza were eaten in 2000 than in 1975 but when it comes to Fish and Chip, the intake of it by teenagers went down in the span of 25 years.

It is noticeable that, despite some fluctuation, pizza and hamburger rose significantly during the period, while fish and chips fell dramatically.

I hope this suggestions can help you to improve your writing skill.
Maya29 14 / 18 14  
May 1, 2016   #6
Hi Rajat Sharma, Your writing is good. Your grammar is accurate enough. However, please allow me to give some suggestions to you.

In 1975, Fish and Chip werewas consumed 100 times by Australian teenagers and it stood (you have to be careful to state whether you see "fish and chip" as on term or different. Since it is a set of food, I suggest to see it as one term).

I think you have tried to do the grouping based on the food fairly well. But, as a reader I have to look back at your chart to make sure your data is written well.I think it will be easier if you do the grouping based on the year instead of food. The second paragraph can explain the data from 1975 to 1985 where the first turning point of hamburgers vs fish and chip occurred. Subsequently, the next paragraph can explain the remaining years when the second intersection happened so fish and chip became the last in the end of period.

You have high potency in writing. I hope my suggestions will be helpful for you. Keep writing :)
MaximKlopunov99 13 / 22 4  
May 3, 2016   #7
I think it's 7 points essay.Your sentences and ideas are in a logical order , the use of cohesive devices is correct and the lexical resource is satisfactory. As for grammar, everything is already corrected by the other users.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic - Task 1 - review my writing relating to fast food consumption in Australia