Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation.
Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?
Working at home, owning your own company is the creative, trendy doing business recent days. People can not be denied such benefits it brings as freedom, time-saving, being your own boss. This happens for several reasons and leads to either negative aspects.
This new way of employing might result from three main points. First and foremost, self-employed grow the income faster than in traditional business. Less investments, less pay on infracture may save a huge amount of money. In fact, what self-employer earn is based on the solely valued they made for their clients. Second, people can also be fully responsible for their children and elderly parents. Since it provides the flexibility everyone needs, they no longer meet deadlines or struggle in rush hour to be on time. Lastly, there would be no worry about the disappearance of the jobs one day. Working for yourself allows people to resolve the problem independently, even lose then start-up one more time without any duty.
However, despite the fact that people see only the merits of self-employed, the disadvanatges still should be considered thoughtfully. Firstly, multitasking skill is one of the most essential part of the jobs. As doing the work alone, a lot of people are responsible for full process of the project from getting it, excuting then closing successfully. Secondly, the loss of social gatherings is the fact of this new way. There is no celebrations, no social contact, no teamwork which actually lack of business feeling. Last but not least, there might have no help for the taxes people need to pay. In fact, the taxes need to be filled on time by oneself is too huge meanwhile working in company or organization saves that invest.
To conclude, although the higher income, the flexibility and the independence is the interesting reasons for choosing self-employed, the untraditional business consists of some bad points.
I think your essay's body is clear easy to follow, however I think you can replace: first= the first= firstly= first of all
secondly= another point... to reduce a mount of repeated words
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The original prompt needs to be restated in as close a manner as the original topic. You cannot present information that is not contained in the original prompt due to the way it changes the discussion pattern for the essay. As such, your TA score will be failing because the information provided is totally unrelated to the original task. Your question response is also confusing to the reader. It does not make any sense to the reader.
You are over discussing the presentation. You should focus less on using word fillers and more on presenting clear explanations that relate to the topic in every paragraph. You can do this within 5 sentences. Instead, your paragraphs are all under developed, your reasons unrelated and lacking in cohesiveness, which leads to incoherent discussion points.
The comparative discussion should have shown a paragraph of positive discussion, then a paragraph of negative discussion that shows the errors of the advantage discussion. Your presentation fails to do this so you will have a hard time convincing the examiner that you actually understood the discussion instructions for the presentation.
I think you begin with "working at home" which is off topic. Your essay should be about self-employed, I recommend that 1st paragraph should discuss the reasons as well as the benefits of self-employed and 2nd paragraph should point out the drawbacks of this situation.
Firstly, "Working at home, owning your own ..." fails to paraphrase the given information in the original text. You need to restate relevantly to the question, if not your TA score will be lowered.
In tandem with this, you do really have to work on grammar errors which are problematic in this piece of writing.