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Ielts academic essay : Spending less time at home. What are the causes and what are the effects?


byambasuren 1 / -  
Jun 11, 2019   #1
Nowadays, many people spend less and less time at home. What are the causes of this? What are the effects of this on individuals and on society?

lack of time to stay at home



In the modern world, the way of spending time of people has significantly changed than was in decades ago. People spend more time outside of home and this is because of several factors, I think.

Nowadays, many people are getting busy than ever before. There are many reasons cause this situation, and one of them is advance in technology. Due to rapid development of technology, sometimes people are getting struggled with their jobs more than ever before in order to keep their steps with the latest technological advancement. For example, my sister who works at a commercial company as an accountant, has been forced to work for extra time in latest months because their company introduce new ERP system for their daily financial and business activity. Moreover, social media sites and other information resources allow people to engage in various communities, groups, and open the ways to involve in different activities. In result, people become interested in participate different kind of events and willing to spend time for them. Such factors makes people with lack of time to stay at home.

On the other hand, the spending less time at home might lead to some negative effects both on individuals and society. Spending less time with their family makes the connection between family members less closely. Talking, caring and having time together helps people to build strong warm connection with family members. But spending most of their time outside of home makes people to have less time for their family. This situation may lead some negative effects in future especially for children. If the parents do not spend enough time for their children and do not give them enough care, children become to feel like they are rejected and it may lead to become with negative behavior in their future. If the people with negative behavior are increasing, it would definitely bring some negative impact in society.

In conclusion, spending time outside of home is due to different reasons for people. Having less time at home might be some kind of fun or pleasure for some people,but it might be lead to unwanted negative outcome in future such as affecting children's behavior by negative way.

Maria [Contributor] - / 633 250  
Jun 12, 2019   #2
@byambasuren
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. I'll do my best to provide a comprehensive feedback.

First and foremost, I appreciate the way that you had examples in the fabrics of your essay. Doing this will help you make concrete the substantiation that you had throughout the essay. In the long-run, this will be better to create firmer arguments that'll strengthen your overall writing techniques.

To improve your writing, I think that the focus should be based more on the structure and the forms that you were incorporating/using throughout the essay. If you can use more appropriate forms, you'll be able to concretely grasp an academic tone that's truly beneficial for you.

Let's take a look at your essay - I would revise the initial portions as:

... spending time of people has significantly changed than was in decades ago compared to a decade ago. ... outside of home and ..., I think. due to several factors.

Nowadays, m Many people are getting busyier than ever before. There are ... in technology. Due to rapid developments in of technology, sometimes people are getting struggleding with their jobs more than ... advancement. due to technological adaptation.

In terms of the content of your essay, I suggest trying to focus and give more of a concrete thesis to follow. It's quite unclear throughout - and until the end - what specifically you were trying to mention in your content. If you can clear this out from the beginning, you'll have more of a strategic approach to writing.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors as always.


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