Hello.
This is my first attempt to write an IELTS Writing Task 2. Can someone please check to see what I need to fix and improve, and estimate the band score of this writing please?
Thank you so much.
Topic: Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Environmental problems are attracting raging concerns all around the world with their damaging effects on human life. While the extinction of plant and animal species is said to be the main problem these days, some people are also considering other ones. This essay will discuss what is more important to mankind.
Nowadays, species of animals or plants going extinct is a major environmental problem. it is human activities the one that has been rapidly accelerating it at an alarming rate. An instance is hunting rhinos to extinction for their horn, as many people believe that owning one might bring them luck and powers. As a result, many other species are endangered or no longer exist. This leads to natural imbalance, loss of diversity, and a broken food chain. For example, a whale eats 40 tons of food per day, if it disappeared, all the small creatures below would be too abundant, thus might disrupt the marine environment. In other words, once a species' extinction happened, the others could be at risk too, and it consequently triggers negative changes to the environment, which in turn affects negatively to human life.
However, in addition to the problems mentioned above, there are also many other significant ones as well, such as pollution, climate change, ozone layer depletion, natural resources depletion, natural disasters, etc. As proof, pollution harms all the living creatures', including our health. All of these are having serious impacts on nature and human life. Moreover, they are not standing alone but is related to another. For instance, climate change leads to natural disasters like floods, drought, ice melting, etc which bring damages to human life and the economy. Therefore human needs to study, and together join in cooperation in efforts to find solutions to all of the problems.
In conclusion, it's hard to say one is the main problem of our time. In my opinion, only by considering and resolving all the environmental problems and adopting comprehensive means of action that can a better environment be guaranteed in the future.
Hi! Here are some suggestions for you:
- "An instance is hunting rhinos to ..."
I will rewrite it as "Rhinos are being hunted to extinction since many people believe that owning the animal horn may bring them luck and powers."
- "For example, a whale eats 40 tons of ..." --> As a matter of fact, this is wrong. If 1 whale dies, it will not affect the food chain that greatly. "It" should be changed.
- "However, in addition to the problems mentioned above..." --> As an intro to a new paragraph, you should have a clear reference to environmental impacts in specific.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 While your discussion is acceptable. It is given from only a personal point of view or a general understanding of the situation. The reasoning format for the discussion should have been:
- Public group pronouns usage indicating that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals.
- Public group pronouns usage indicating that there are more important environmental problems.
- A first person comparison of the two reasons ending with an indication of which opinion you support.
The aforementioned format helps to increase your GRA score directly.
As this is a comparative discussion, you should indicate that your personal opinion will be based on a consideration of the 2 points of view / reasons. This is the statement that should be placed at the end of your prompt paraphrase,
The conclusion you made continued the discussion of the topic. It should have summarized the topic and opinions presented instead. Try to avoid using memorized phrases such as "In conclusion". That will not help your LR or GRA score. You could instead say:
-All things considered
- Based on the given....
- Finally,
- To bring the discussion full circle
Or variations thereof. Due to the error in the formatting and other considerations, mainly this being your first essay here, I will not score this essay. I will score the next one since I use the first essay to assess your strengths and weaknesses so I can properly guide you in the future. I hope to see your next essay soon.
