Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

According to a study, 72 percent of old people in Glasgow (aged 75 years and more), were illiterate


abdik 3 / 5 1  
Dec 7, 2016   #1
here is the link to the charts : ieltsliz/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/IELTS-Writing-Task-1-December-2016.pdf

I hope that i will get some advice and tips on how i should to deal with those kind of charts!! I Would be very grateful to read a model answer from a professional. Thank you for your time.

The charts compares the education level divided into three categories (school certificate, in Glasgow, by age range and then by gender in the year 2010.
Overall, the majority of young people and adults in Glasgow are educated; while a significant number of old people are not. Also we can see from the pie chart that women and men obtained at the same rate school certificate and just a slight difference in the percentage of no Qualification holders and University degree graduates among men and women.

In terms of number, 71 per cent of students that graduated at Scottish universities were between 16 to 24 or between 35 to 50, but the higher rate of university degree holders was among students aged from 24 to 35. We can see also that 72 per cent of old people (more than 75 years old) were illiterate.

We have to note that 33 per cent of men and women in Glasgow, in 2010 got a school certificate, whereas 38 and 35 per cents of women and men respectively had no qualification at the same year.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Dec 7, 2016   #2
An advanced level of introduction paragraph is usually in the form of passive voice sentence and not in active one. Try to switch your introductory sentence into a passive one. Also, concerning tenses usage, I reckon that your essay is rather inconsistent. You should use past form when the year indicates a past event and showed by a past year. Present tense is also used but only for the very first sentence in the introduction before the overview sentence. Additionally, do NOT mention "we can see / we have to note" more than once. It should only be used for overview sentence and not for each paragraph. There are many alternatives rather than those phrases such as, 'to begin with'/'initially'/'with regards to'/many more cohesive devices that might be accurate.

For some model answers of task 1, you can take a look at my threads by clicking on my username.
UQ17 3 / 4  
Dec 8, 2016   #3
hi bro
these are my corrections

The charts compares the education level divided into ...

THIS SENTENCE CONTAINS FEW MISTAKES
1. PAY ATTENTION TO THE S+V AGREEMENT >>>> CHARTS COMPARES >> CHARTS COMPARE ( S PLURAL NEED PLURAL)
2. PASSIVE VOICE S+ TO BE+ V3 >>> LEVEL DIVIDED INTO >>> LEVEL IS DIVIDED

Overall, the majority of young people and adults ...

1. adults in Glasgow are educated >> it is passive voice >>>>adults in Glasgow educated
2. significant number of old people are not >>>> significant number of old people are opposite

Abdik i regard that your essay is inaccurate, it will better if you see more examples of writing task one to enhance your writing ability. In this part i cannot give correction until end of your essay because I reckon that you should deal with several mistakes which I mark above.

BREAK A LEG BRO.
Abrahamlincoln 54 / 56  
Dec 8, 2016   #4
Here, Abdik
Here, my corrections toward your writing

1. Abdik, You have to use past time consistently in this essay, it is indicated by past years and the data. Even you have a great summary, you use wrong grammar, you will get a low band. Therefore, please write with proper grammar otherwise, you cannot improve your writing skills as well as score.

2. Furthermore, when it comes to overview, please provide the most interesting fact which cover all data in the chart. no rule to not write it long however, you should ensure that it is effective since you have to provide space for your first and second. body.

3. Please write your sentence with various sentence formation such as verbal and nominal. It helps you to ensure the reader enjoy your writing.

Good Luck


Home / Writing Feedback / According to a study, 72 percent of old people in Glasgow (aged 75 years and more), were illiterate