Hi everyone, I am new here. I am practicing for the SAT Test. Please grade my essay out of 12 and give me some feedbacks. Thanks in advance !!!
Prompt 1 :
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures, the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms-greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge-has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the U.S.A.
-Gordon Gekko, Wall Street
Assignment: Can acting in one's own self interest make the world a better place?Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Essay:
Greed is a vice. A greedy person is the one who acts selfishly and doesn't care about others. It's the person who refuses to share the fruit of his labor with others, thinking he/she has full control of it. And that's how it works for many people in our modern world. Although greed preserves one's fortune, I don't think that it is efficient tool to perfect a society. Acting in one's own self interest generates hate and evil, leads to the collapse of society and severs humanistic ties between people.
Greed is the root of human's evilest intentions and goals. This is well exemplified in Nazism ideology. In fact, Hitler, the leader of Nazi Germany (1933-1945), claimed ownership of most of Central Europe as Germany's "Lebensraum" (vital space). He avidly invaded Poland and Czechoslovakia in 1939 as first step to territorial expansionism to gain Lebensraum. According to him, his acts are legitimates because it's a law of nature for the superior Aryan master race. He wanted to pocess all fertile lands in Central Europe that would provide only Germanic people with food and resources at the expense of Poles, Ukrainians and other Slavic peoples. As a result, his cupid tendencies led to the outbreak of WWII that wrought too much havoc to the world: caused the demise of 50 million people, total destruction of infrastructure and facilities and economic stagnation. Hitler's greedy policy stemmed from his ideas illustrated in his book "My Struggle" (Mein Kampf) and his political approach couldn't by no mean even make German people happy and prosperous. Hitler's Greed and narrow-mindness brought turmoil, political unrest and devastation to the world.
Acting in one's self interest stifled the young near-perfect society that Romans envisaged to establish. During Republican Rome, the emperor Sylla shifted most of powers to the aristocrat senate, the partisans. His intention was pure: He thought that this stratum of intellectual, wise and well-educated people would perfectly rule the republic. Yet, the partisans introduced new legislations that were totally selfish, in favor of aristocrats and harmful for the plebeians. Such legislations include a fixed corn price, which plebs disagrees with as there would not be a competitive market. This selfishness of the aristocrats was tantamount to civil strife which threatened the stability and the prosperity of Rome. Ultimately, greedy intentions led to the failure to establish a perfect society, to homogenize social strata and thus to bring equality and justice.
Similarly, "L'Avare" by Moliére is comedy that illustrates how greed is subversive to individuals as well as families. The scathing satire is a tale of an avaricious sexagenarian bourgeois whose love of cash surpasses that of his children. The tyrannical Harpagon, father of two kids, was obsessed with the wealth he has amassed and always ready to save expenses. He interfered with the marriage of his children as he attempted to arrange a wedding between his children and wealthy old aristocrats. Élsie and Cléante, his kids, are denied freedom to choose their own love. Their father was only interested in money and material gain, even at seventy. He does not care about their happiness. His family suffered a lot because of his avidness to money.
A thoughtful analysis of Nazis ideology, republican Rome history and The Miser Comedy play reveals how selfishness and greed are the roots of destruction, chaos and pain.
I would like to help you with your essay. When I read the introduction, I thought there were few mistakes in you writing. The error that exists is placing "an" before efficient. However, the essay question can be very tricky. For instance, if someone looks out for their own self interest, it can be beneficial if it leads to something positive.
Therefore, I think you need to address that acting on one's own self interest can be detrimental if it is not a positive goal. Then the reader can understand that greed is a form of using one's own self interest in a negative way.
There are a few errors in the 2nd paragraph. Here are some suggestions:
Correct this sentence:" ...Czechoslovakia in 1939 as the first step.."
Change your verbs to the past tense: are should be was
Correct your spelling: pocess should be possess, Poles should be Polish
Instead of using a colon, you could replace it with "...world and caused the demise of 50 million..."
Delete "by no mean even".
The 3rd paragraph you need a transition word. Ex: Also, In addition
The 4th paragraph place "a" before comedy. Change you tense: "...wealth he amassed and was always ready to save expenses." Change your verbs to the past tense: are to "were denied freedom" and does not to "did not". The last sentence should end as, "avid concern to gain money."
The last paragraph there is no mention of acting in one's own self interest. You could add one or more sentences.
I won't give this essay a grade, but it was well written. Focus on checking to see if verbs are in the past when you tell a story in the past. This will help you improve.
