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TOEFL; We must admit young people in the past were more innocent


littlekid 986 7 / 16  
Mar 7, 2013   #1
This is an indepentent writing in ibt exams .please show me the errors of grammer and the weakness of the article.Thank you so much!And i want to especially thanks to the girl named Annika, thanks for your help!

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement
Young people today are more likely to help others than young people were in the past


Nowdays, we usually think teenagers could receive a better education, their intelligence improved by scientific developpment,and they lived in a the modern society which has a great progress than its before.Through these comparisons ,it is naturally to conclude that modern young people are excellent in moral era than young people were in the past.It could means they are more likely to help others or set samples in some ways.However,this view ignored the disadvantages that occured in the highly developpment especially the bad fators which exert an influence on their personality formed, family educations and social impactions.So I do not agree with this view ,and my reasons will list as following.

First at all, although teenagers today are cleverer than that were in the past, they usually fistly focused is what they can obtain while they attempt to supplying their helps .They have their own standards to judge if it is worth to do or not.Meanwhile, the young people in the past would have remembered their duties as if they had tried their best to provide helps when others needed.For example,my order sister told me a story, while my little nephew got trapped in the kindergarten, there is no one stood out to provide help.His classmates were focusing their own things when they noticed him.Contrast to in decades before,when I was in trouble,my classmates dropped their own things at once and walked towards me for giving helps.

Secondly,parents today pay the most of their attention on the children's intellectual developping in order that they neglect the moral education which plays a crucial role in personality formed of their young kids in the early time.Because of this family educated deficiency ,a word"selfish"is as a new character that accurately described as of the new generation.Oppose that situation in decades ago,when we were young ,we have nothing but happiness in our childhood. Those happiness made of simple relationship and less competitions between each other.And we had been told the manner with most honorable is to be a hero, helping or saving others when they are in troubles. It is a period that full of heroic stroies.

Thirdly,I think a part of reasons which caused today's young people would not likely to help other is attributed to the developpment in the moral era has not so fast as those in the economy.Consequently, young people will pay their attentions on how to earn money ,but the good virtues once focused on how to become a good man is fade away.We must admit young people in the past were more innocent than those were in the modern society.The ethics is depended on the values and believes that conveyed by its society.Unfortunately,this priceless values was fading away.

To sum up, I think young people today are not likely to help others than young people were in the past.

dumi 1 / 6,929 1592  
Mar 7, 2013   #2
Nowdays, we usually think teenagers could receive a better education, their intelligence improved by scientific developpment,and they lived in a the modern society which has a great progress than its before.

This is too long... Remember, this exam has a major bearing on time management. So it is good to practice with time.... Follow the easy essay structure, the 4 para structure, and practice accordingly with time. 4 Paras include;

Introduction - Introduce the topic and express your opinion
Body para 1; First reason for your opinion + one specific example for that
Body para 2; 2nd reason + example
Conclusion; Sum up everything said above

So I do not agree with this view ,and my reasons will be listed as following.

Your introduction i s too lengthy for this task... :)

First at all, although teenagers today are cleverer than that were in the past,

... this sounds too stereotype thinking... If people of older generations were not clever we wouldn't have achieved such great advancement in technology.... I guess the man had been always clever.

they usually fistly focused is what they can obtain while they attempt to supplying offering their helps

.... they are usually very self-centered and reluctant to lend a hand to others.
OP littlekid 986 7 / 16  
Mar 8, 2013   #3
hey, dumi ,thank you so much for your corrections, and i think i get to know weakness of my essay . Futhermore, i want to ask about the " writing feedback"once you mentioned, i don not know how to access the forum ,can you give me a link?
dumi 1 / 6,929 1592  
Mar 8, 2013   #4
Futhermore, i want to ask about the " writing feedback"once you mentioned, i don not know how to access the forum ,can you give me a link?

What I meant was when you start a new thread for TOEFL tasks you need to post them under "Writing Feedback" forum. Here's how you do it;

Click on the "New Thread" which appears in black on top of the right hand side of the screen. Then you'll be navigated to a new screen for typing your essay. On the very top (left hand side) you can see the "Forum" and by default "Undergraduate Essays" is selected. There click on the arrow and select "Writing Feedback" forum.

Also if you need to read the essays written on TOEFL topics, you can search them using the search option. Just type "TOEFL" and you get loads of essays. Reading others' essays and the comments provided for them by others is another good way to progress :)


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