This is my essay in TOEFL task 2, I wrote it in 30 min which is the legal time for the TOEFL writing task. Please evaluate it from 30. I will appreciate your comments.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Universities should require students to study many subjects in different fields rather than just their major subjects.
majors in university
As everything in the life is like a coin that has two dissimilar sides, people must weigh the pros and cons before jumping to conclusions. After all, every and each question must require careful deliberation that there are always multiple variables to the truth. Some people may adamantly believe that students have an obligation and required to takes sundry of courses during there semester in the university, but I think such opinion lack coherence to some extent. In my humble opinion, adolescents must focus primarily in their majors and in their spare time, they can spend it reading in other topics or concepts from different fields.
First and foremost, the majority of individuals would agree with the notion that students have an ambitious from there childhood and want to make it real in the future. In other words, every student wants to achieve his goals by studying specific majors. Furthermore, studying and focusing in particular major will engender myriad of advantages. To illustrate more thoroughly, my physics teacher, Dr. Mostafa, has PhD in astrophysics and he completing his rest of life in our boarding school, STEM. Once, I have asked them about his adulthood in the university, and how he decided to choose this particular major rather than the others. In addition, I also asked him why he didn't take double-major while he was in the university. His answer was completely satisfying and obvious, as he told me the passion is the only controller in his life. For elucidation, when he was young, he was always looking at the sky and glimpse the movement of the stars and wondering how these movement happen and what is influencing it? He planned to search about it and learn the factors and effects on the stars. Hence, as I see know he is the best scientist and teacher I have ever seen in my life. The main reason behind this rationale is that he didn't distract himself in more than one major and just focused in his own ambitious and passion. All in all, we can't and shouldn't overlook the pros of focusing in our passion and don't distract ourselves in more than one major.
On top of this, when people study and immerse themselves in more than on major, it can result in an unfavorable ramification. In the eyes of people in today's world, students who are interesting in more than one field will suffer in the future because their minds will not be comfortable at all. A great example of that will be my sister who knows sundry of things in 10 majors around the world. She is a major of chemical physics, but honestly, she doesn't have specific major. I believe this to be true mainly due to the fact that in every single night, she enters her chamber and takes her laptop, spend several hours without eating or drinking. Once, she got fatigue because her health became unproper as she spends more than half of the day on her bed and studying her courses, do her assignments, read local newspapers, search about the new gestures, study biology and the anthropology. She was mind-blowing by all these accomplishments but in reality, she lost a lot of funny moments with her family and pals. Long story short, it is clear as a day for me that immersing ourselves in more than one major or field can have unproper consequences in the future. Also, it will destruct our body and we will be oblivious about the amuse moments in daily life.
In summation, yes, it's virtually impossible to give a complete satisfying answer to an open-ended question. Although the jury may be out of the given essay topic, we can reach a mutual agreement that students must focus completely in their major rather than distract themselves in other minor topics due to the reasons and details mentioned above.
I think you should not use contractions due to the academic characteristic of the test. "In summation, yes," may you change that yes for another way of emphasize your conclution.