Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

The adopted policy of early education of foreing languages

yunrong49 1 / 1  
Jan 5, 2018   #1

benefits of early learning of a foreign language

Hello! I would really appreciate that someone helps edit my IELTS writing task2 and gives some feedback for improving my grammar, word choice, sentence structures.:)

Please see the topic below:
Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

Here's my composition:

Generally, children are taught a foreign language at secondary school, but some educationalists suggest that primary schools should introduce foreign language to pupils. The policy has been adopted by some educational authorities and individual schools, which brings about positive and negative outcomes.

Starting learning a foreign language in primary school, some argue, can strengthen children's learning ability and broaden their cultural outlook. As children pick up languages more easily than adolescents, and their brains are still developing to acquire their mother tongue, learning another language can facilitate the learning area of their brains and deepen their understanding of their native language. Besides, the introduction of a foreign language also brings along with culture and history. By teaching songs or telling stories in a foreign language, pupils can have imaginative sympathy and appreciation of foreign culture.

However, the others concern that primary schools lack enough the educational profession in the second language. Another problem is the teaching style and its method. If children find it difficult or bored while learning another language and unable to receive proper assistance from teachers, learning foreign language early would still be not effective. Nevertheless, these issues can be improved by strategic policy.

In my opinion, early exposure to foreign language benefits children economically and culturally in the future. The advantages are not only job prospects at home and broad but also the opportunities of communicating with and understanding about another culture in a more respectful way. As a result, young kids' capacity and knowledge should be cultivated to achieve these benefits.

(254 words)

UltimaWeapon 3 / 4 3  
Jan 5, 2018   #2
I have never taken IELTS but I believe it's similar to TOEFL.
Writings for these tests should be answer in a very structural way.
You start with an introduction that states your position (whether you believe it is more advantageous or disadvantageous to have foreign language education in elementary schools) and reasons (as the prompt asks you to do). Basically you want to have a THESIS.

Then you should have the same number of body paragraphs as your reasons. It is generally advised that you have three reasons and thus three body paragraphs. Now each body paragraph should have a topic sentence that states one of your reasons in more detail. Then you should have two or three sentences supporting your topic sentence. Here you are advised to either use logical reasoning or your personal experience (I suggest you write about your experiences because that's generally easier). After that, you want to close up your paragraph with a conclusion sentence that goes basically like this: because of this, I believe....

At last, you want to have a conclusion. Here you will basically rewrite your introduction in a different way.
Thus, you want to have add a thesis to your intro. Simply the conclusion you have right now to make it into a simple thesis.

You have two reasons: 1. more jobs 2. better intercultural communication and thus more respect. So you need two body paragraphs.
Your conclusion seems good. I wish you luck in IELTS!
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,378 2892  
Jan 6, 2018   #3
Yun-Rong, the advice above has some applicable points to the IELTS test. While it is similar to the TOEFL test, the presentation is different in the sense that the TOEFL test asks you to immediately present your opinion at the start of the presentation. You do not have this advantage in the IELTS test. That is because the IELTS test is stricter in its paragraph formatting. The test does not allow the exam taker to immediately present a discussion due to the paragraph development requirements.

As you can see, your essay failed immediately in the Task Accuracy section because, instead of presenting a paraphrased paragraph, you decided to discuss the topic instead. In the IELTS test, the opening paragraph should represent the following:

1. An accurate restatement of the topic
2. The discussion reasons presented
3. The discussion format instruction

The basic paragraph format is normally 3-5 sentences, regardless of whether it is an opening statement, body of paragraph, or concluding presentation. Based upon the information in the opening paraphrase, you are looking at a minimum of 3 sentences. If you want to score well in the body of paragraphs, there are a number of things you have to ensure.

In the body of paragraphs, make sure that you do not exceed the 5 sentence maximum presentation using one idea per paragraph as a topic, give a maximum of 2 supporting explanations in relation to the topic, then an example, close with a transition sentence into the next paragraph.

When you are asked : Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage? you need to pick one side to discuss in the essay instead of both. The instruction is clear, either it is advantageous or it is not. You cannot discuss both in the essay. All of the body paragraphs need to support only one side of the discussion as you believe it to be.

Now, the reason that your essay will not pass the test is because you discussed only one side, which would have been acceptable, if you had done the discussion in the manner I instructed. Instead, you only focused on primary school, completely neglecting the secondary school point of view. Both points of view still need to be presented in the essay. If you had accurately discussed the opening paragraph, in a manner that allowed you to outline the discussion, you would have had a more concrete essay presentation. An example of a properly outlined opening statement is as follows:

Educational experts have been considering the proper age for youngsters to start training in the use of a different language other than their own. Some believe that this should be done as early as primary school while others offer the thought that perhaps secondary school learning would be best. The most common belief is that language learning should be started in primary school. I am of the opinion that learning the new language in primary school has more advantages than disadvantages. I shall present the reasons for my belief in the following paragraphs.

Then you could have kicked off the discussion with:

In my opinion, early exposure to foreign language benefits children economically and culturally in the future...

After which you could have said:

Those who oppose the idea believe that...

While those that support the idea indicate...

In the end, the reasons why....

These would have comprised a better formatted, outlined, and discussed essay on the topic.
OP yunrong49 1 / 1  
Jan 8, 2018   #4
Thanks a lot for your clear and detailed instruction for my writing! It is really helpful for me to understand how to revise my writing. Can I ask if there're any tips for bettering paraphrasing skill?

Home / Writing Feedback / The adopted policy of early education of foreing languages