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The advancement of technology is used to check others activities in this globalized era


yonathan66 30 / 27 5  
Apr 7, 2016   #1
Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


In this modern era, the advancement of technology allows Societies are allowed to monitor others activity by using sophisticated devices such as hidden camera, deoxyribonuclic acid (DNA) detector, or hacking tools. Sometimes, people do not recognise that they are monitored. In my opinion, although it is impolite to watch other life without their permit, I strongly believe that there are more merits than demerits.

People now can monitor others without having direct contact with others. This is impolite and unsafe as abuse of this advancement can cause negative impact on society, such as increasing of criminality. People who commit crime are able to use cutting-edge device such as hidden camera to monitor their target. This device often use to do unethical thing such as pornography which is very dangerous for women. As a result, crime-rate, particularly pornography, has risen significantly due to the abuse of this sophisticated equipment. However, I personally believe that the merits of this development are much more than demerit.

Several bad things have been canceled as police or law-agency use cutting edge technologies on their job. According to FBI data, there are lots of case that solved by using fruitful device such as DNA detector. This device help them to recognise and arrest people who are noted in their black list. Consequently, plenty of terrorism have been canceled successfully.

In addition, this development are very useful to prevent crime as police or agency can recognise it before it occur. Based on Corruption Watch Agency data, police has been succeed on preventing corruptor from commit corruption by using hacking tools and hidden camera. As a consequence, many corruptors are arrested and the corruption-rate has been dropped. It is evidence that the advancement technology is very fruitful.

To conclude, there is no doubt that cutting-edge device has helped human in many ways as long as it is used properly. Although it can be harmful if it is used in the wrong way, I believe that this development are really fruitful for human life. However, government should establish regulation to prevent misusing of these sophisticated devices.

nurannisaputry92 36 / 27 2  
Apr 7, 2016   #2
hi yoni,

you have a good writing, but let me give you a little suggestion:

People who commit (to, collocation) crime are able to use cutting-edge device ...
This device often use to do unethical thing such as pornography which is very dangerous for women. (if you use one supporting idea, it is better to give specific example)

for instance, there are 10 cases of visual violence which has been occurred in some countries because of the abuse of sophisticated technology like CCTV or hidden camera.

As a result, crime-rate, particularly pornography, has risen significantly due to the abuse of this sophisticated equipment . However, I personally believe that the merits ...

thanks,
i hopefully, it will help to improve your writing skills
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Apr 7, 2016   #3
Hi Yonathan, I have finished reading your essay and I must say, it has the contents that answered the prompt, indeed, the advancement of technology has transformed the society a whole lot better than it was before, imagine the days when birds are the ones transporting our letters, the days when we have to move mountains if we need to see friends, well, those were the days and they are memories to tresaure.

Nowadays, the dcisying technology is being studied in order to make things even better, in your writing you manage to convey this ideas, this ideas also flowed swiftly through out the essay. You also kept the essay tl its manimum number of paragraphs and this is a very good point.

Overall, your essay has been an effective showcase of ideas and differentiation of what was technology, then and now. I hope my insights helped and I wksh to see more of your articles soon here on EF.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 7, 2016   #4
Yonathan, I like the way you write your introduction paragraph. It answered all the prompt asked in the questions, which means you will get a proper score for your task achievement. Yet, I am little bit disappointed when I read your conclusion, because you accidentally skipped one important sentence in which it is essential to be stated there. You only wrote "it is beneficial or fruitful", without giving a clear answer to the prompt given, whether it is able to outweigh the drawbacks or not. I am concerned that the examiner will consider this one as your weak point, which conveys detrimental effect towards your final score. Now, for the corrections of your punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors, see the descriptions below.

deoxyribonuclic acid

deoxyribonucleic acid (spelling)

technology allows Societies are allowed to monitor

(more than two clauses, but there is no connector) technology allows society to monitor (better decrease the verb)

watch other life

watch others life (it conveys different meaning if you do not put 's' there)

This device often use to

This device often uses to...

This device help

This device helps..

this development are very useful

This development is very useful...

it occur

it occurs

It is evidence

It is evident that.. (I have read many essays and this is the common mistake amidst all of them, evidence = noun, evident = adjective)

I hope I can see many improvements from you in your future essays.

Keep writing and good luck! :)
andika_soppeng - / 16 2  
Apr 7, 2016   #5
Several bad things have been canceled as police or law-agency use cutting edge technologies on their job

this sentence is confusing...
People who commit crime : offenders/criminals or many others

you write repetitive words
cutting-edge
you change it to another word : highly-invented technology

this development are is very useful


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