Yonathan, I like the way you write your introduction paragraph. It answered all the prompt asked in the questions, which means you will get a proper score for your task achievement. Yet, I am little bit disappointed when I read your conclusion, because you accidentally skipped one important sentence in which it is essential to be stated there. You only wrote "it is beneficial or fruitful", without giving a clear answer to the prompt given, whether it is able to outweigh the drawbacks or not. I am concerned that the examiner will consider this one as your weak point, which conveys detrimental effect towards your final score. Now, for the corrections of your punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors, see the descriptions below.
deoxyribonucleic acid (spelling)
technology allows Societies are allowed to monitor
(more than two clauses, but there is no connector) technology allows society to monitor (better decrease the verb)
watch other life
watch others life (it conveys different meaning if you do not put 's' there)
This device often use to
This device often uses to...
This device help
This device helps..
this development are very useful
This development is very useful...
It is evidence
It is evident that.. (I have read many essays and this is the common mistake amidst all of them, evidence = noun, evident = adjective)
I hope I can see many improvements from you in your future essays.
Keep writing and good luck! :)