Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Advantages of the music in secondary school - brain development and obtaining some necessary skills


thanhlong 2 / 4  
Sep 11, 2015   #1
TOEFL: Should all students be required to take art and music in secondary school.

When the role of music and art in the secondary school comes into view, there exist conflicting opinions. Some people are convinced that students should be required to have music and art in annual program, while some people hold the opposite approach. For the sake of my discussion, I argue that music and art should be required to all students in secondary school for following reasons.

Firstly, art education can help us to rewire the brain in the positive ways. In the last 6 years, educational research provided some ample assertion that create art can help skills translate to other academic pieces of car. A research held by John Hopkins University of Education researchers show that In one four-year study, students undertaking regular music training were found to have changes in their brain structures helping them transfer their motor skills to similar areas. Another found students motivated to practice a specific art form and spent time with focused attention increased the efficiency of their attention network as a whole, even when working in other areas of study - and it improved their fluid IQ scores.

Another reason is that music and art enhance the skills which play a visual role in modern world such as creativity, flexibility. As Joseph M.Calahan, director of cooperate communications, Xerox corporation, once said: " Art education aids students in skills needed in the workplace: flexibility, the ability to solve the problems and communicate, the ability to learn new skills, to be creative and innovative, and to strive for excellence".

There have been dissenters to that view that secondary students do not take any benefit from studying art and music, they need others important subjects such as mathematics, physics and science. This is not right due to the aforementioned evidences. In addition, the need for mathematics, physics and science is as much as the one for art and music in our life. As William Bennett, Former US Secretary of education, once said: " The arts are an essential element of education, just like reading, writing, arithmetic,...music, dance, painting, theater are all keys to unlock profound human understanding and accomplishment".

In conclusion, secondary students should be required to study art and music education mainly due to the advantages to which it brings for us: brain's development, skills needed in our world.

This is my essay. Please help me to check it. :). Many thanks.

hayaalqasem 9 / 17  
Sep 12, 2015   #2
hi
my suggestion is fro this sentence

" Art education aids students in skills needed in the workplace: flexibility, the ability to solve the problems and communicate, the ability to learn new skills, to be creative and innovative, and to strive for excellence ".

The phrases must be start with same type of word. Here you started with nouns which are flexibility, the ability,the ability so you should continue with nouns

my suggestion is to change"to be creative and innovative, and to strive for excellence" to "the increasing creativity and innovation, striving for excellence"
OP thanhlong 2 / 4  
Sep 12, 2015   #3
Hello Hayaalqasem. Thank you for your suggestion. But it is the saying of Calahan as I mentioned the previous sentence, so is it better to keep his saying accurate? :)


Home / Writing Feedback / Advantages of the music in secondary school - brain development and obtaining some necessary skills