Please be constantly vigilant of the word count. Due to the quality requirement of the discussion, as well as the scoring considerations for the minor scoring sections, it is important that you do not write more than 300 words. Writing between 275 and 300 words will lessen the possibility of minimal but frequent deductions being applied to the overall written response.
You accidentally reversed the format of the first paragraph. The thesis statement, or basis of discussion should come after your personal opinion / direct response to the provided question. So the format should have been:
Studying overseas is becoming ... studies.
I opine that ...difficulties they will face.
Although going abroad ...young people become independent.
Now, that is how the series of sentences should be presented. However, it is important to acknowledge that a rewrite of that presentation would have been necessary to help it deliver a better discussion, free of redundant thoughts. Notice how 2 reasons are provided for the writer opinion? Those are the sentences that end up being redundancies in the presentation because of the incorrect sentence development. That said, the first paragraph at least shows that you know what the topic is about and that you acknowledge that the reasons you provide will help you gain a better TA score since your opinion is supported by summarized reasons.
The LR and GRA score of this essay will definitely suffer as you have been using English words without considering the correct way of using the phrase/s in a sentence / sentences. Several of the words are used out of its original meaning and a few sentences are using adverbs incorrectly as well. One example of this is "Likewise" cannot be used along with "for instance". LIkewise means "In addition to" or "In a similar manner". While "For instance" indicates a similar example. The former in reference to additional information. The latter, indicating a related scenario. The two words have different meanings so these need to be used in separate sentences.
The quality of overall writing is poor and will result in a non passing score. It is important that you focus on proper word usage, word meaning in the context of the sentence, and clarity of your ideas. Do not focus on the word count. A long essay will not result in a positive outcome. Write just the right number of words, 275-300, to make sure the quality of writing is high and well scoring.