It would be great if I could get some feedback on this essay in the context of the old SAT test. I really want to improve on creating relevance to my thesis within my body paragraphs, and linking support back to my main idea. I also want to know how to make my conclusion and intro stronger, and possibly what score range this essay would be in (1-12). Thank you!
Prompt: Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are?
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There has never been a successful journey unaccompanied by adversity. Adversity makes life challenging, and in our challenges we find rewards. If one were to live in complete ease of mind and body, the opportunity to show what one is made of would be nonexistent. Adversity is necessary in order to discover who we are emotionally and physically.
In the face of adversity we reveal our strengths. This can be seen in one of the most well-known scientific journeys in American history, that of Thomas Edison. Famous for developing the lightbulb and founding the company General Electric, Edison toiled for many years before he could finally call himself the successful inventor of the lightbulb. It is said that he logged over 1,000 failed lightbulb models before he finally found one that worked; even then, his prototype was still flawed. Yet Edison continued on, and the years of failure that he faced not only produced the Edison bulb, but revealed his dedication and perseverance.
In addition to character, adversity helps us develop physically. This is evident in the career of world record-holder Rebecca Soni, who must swim over fifty hours a week to improve her performance. Enduring grueling practices every day certainly takes a physical toll, but through that hard work and water resistance, Soni created a body that could set and then break her own world record. Soni's success exemplifies the necessity of adversity in physical training.
Although some may consider a state of ease to be the best way to nurture personal development, ease cannot reveal as much about ourselves as hardship does. Adversity is inevitable in any personal journey, whether mentally or physically. Only by facing the adversity and experiencing it ourselves can we reveal our true personal and physical potential.
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Hello, as I was reading your essay, I thought the introduction was very good. Yet, when I read the paragraph about Thomas Edison, I thought his journey could have been a challenge mentally. Therefore, you thesis could link adversity to a mental, emotional, and physical journey.
Your third paragraph has a minor error it should read: "record holder.... who swam...."
Conclusion: This is a good conclusion. In the conclusion you discussed mental strength, so this will coincide with your thesis. You might need a sentence in the body of the essay that discusses how Edison's action showed how he overcame mental adversity. Remember he failed at first but then succeeded. Also, the conclusion could discuss Edison and Soni briefly. Here is a suggestion: "Adversity is inevitable in any personal journey, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically. This was evident in Edison and Soni's personal journeys to success.". "Therefore, only by facing adversity can we truly reveal our personal and physical potential."
I'm unsure how this will be scored, but there were few errors and your writing style is good. You also had good examples in your essay.
i like your conclusion advice i would give is adding that depth into your body how adversity is hard and it is not easy and it takes a toil like the person who commented before me said i think that will propel your essay to a higher score adding more range to ur essay then just providing the reader with facts about who thomas edision was and what he did
