beneficial - This is a good hook. However, your point of view is a bit confusing to understand. What exactly are you trying to say? Also, the grammar problem bogs it down. Let me work on that for you.
for human beings. My opinion is more practical and worthy of being paid attention that will be known within the scope of my essay.
- While an
overwhelming... beneficial to
human...- There is a chance that advertising may be truly harmful to children and by extension, us. Since the ads are marketed towards children, they are easily influenced by the advertisements. As such, the children pressure their parents to buy them unnecessary things. Then the children are encouraged to follow certain trends constantly, thus adding to the consumer society problem. Glamorous ads attract consumers from all walks of life, selling a lifestyle and consequently, creating a more materialistic society with each passing day.- The negative effects of advertising aside, it still seems like there are some reasons that advertising provides more benefits than pitfalls. It is the only way people can be informed of new products that they may need. The advertising industry also employs thousands of people in ad agencies and its umbrella partners in ad creation. Without advertising, the free market will cease to exist.- You actually present one too many ideas in this paragraph that should be discussed and developed individually. Try doing that then let's see if it will further improve the essay.
Having considered all the arguments above, it can be concluded that advertising should be regulated and the advertisement aimed at children should be restricted or even banned.- You are concluding the essay so there should not be any new information discussions here.
Abdurasul, why did your discussion center on the effects of advertising on children when the prompt stated that you needed to agree with a point of view regarding
Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives.
? You need to revise the overall essay to fit directly into the provided prompt There is no mention of children in the prompt so concentrating on them as the center of this essay is misguided. Your essay has totally deviated from the prompt provided. In the real IELTS scenario, you would have already failed this portion of the test.