Advertising directed only to a particular target audiences who can make decision for their selves

Writing Practice for TOEFL IBT Preparation

This is the instruction for writing section :
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

And this is my essay.

(Introduction)
A lot of businesses are using varieties of methods to let people know and attracted to their products. The common and fastest way to do it is by television advertising. It is a favorite methods for many business because it can reach millions of people just showing for 10 seconds. However, businessman should be selective in choosing their target audience especially to children. From my opinion, young children who aged between two to five should not be the target of such advertising.

(First reason)
Young children don't have enough consideration to decide what is right and what is wrong. If they like it, then they would want it despite the disadvantages that can happen to them. It is because they don't know what disadvantages can possibly happening to them. A four year old kid is happy to grab a handful of gummy bear candy everyday he passed through a mini mart. The boy likes it because the sweetness and the texture of the candy but he doesn't know that by consuming it too much can lead corrosive teeth and high sugar level in his blood.

(Second reason)
Young children can't control their impulse. They will cry aloud when something they want to is prohibited or taken away from them. It is because at the time they only act according to impulse. If they want something they must have it. They won't listen to explanations.

(Third reason)
The thinking pattern of young children is still developing. By accepting a particular ideas, can shape it the wrong way. Many years ago there is a new reported that a boy jumped out of window because he want to fly like a superhero he watched on TV. Children learn from mimicking and it is dangerous if any of actions displayed in the advertising was performed by the children without any parental guidance.

(Conclusion)
Advertising should be responsibly shown only to particular target audiences who can make decision for their selves. Young children aren't in this category because their behaviors are influenced solely of interest and not knowing the consequences.

I really appreciate your advice on my essay. Thank you in advance.

Hi Veronica. This essay is well thought out, has understandable reasons, and shows that you gave a great deal of thought to the examples that can best support your opinion of the given topic. I must tell you that I feel you could easily get a 4, at the very least, on this essay. There are some points that can be elaborated upon a lot more, such as the reason why you feel that the temper tantrum a child throws in an effort to get what he wants makes targeted advertising a bad thing. Considering that the only objective of the advertisement is to make a sale, regardless of how that sale happens.

Overall though, the essay is well organized. Just don't outline your essay in this particular format during the actual test. This format is only applicable for the first few practice essays as you try to memorize how to best develop the paragraphs. Don't make it habit to always write in this format. While there are some grammatical issues in the essay, these are negligible enough because it does not detract or change the message of the sentence that it is contained in. You should be pretty proud of the way you developed this essay. You are really off to a good start. I hope to see more of your writing, with improvements, over the coming days.

@Holt
Thank you for your valuable feedback Mary. I realize that my essay is too rigid. I will try to use more conjunctions to smoother the flow.