Can you help me to correct my essay and give me some advice, thanks a lot! <3
advertising for certain food products
Research has shown that overeating is as harmful as smoking. Therefore, the advertising of certain food products should be banned in the same way as the advertising of cigarettes is banned. Do you agree or disagree?
Over the past decades, food advertisement has rarely failed to draw public attention and provoke debates. Some people assert that overconsumption and overweight are the adverse consequences of advertising whilst the other hold their view that these issues are owing to the consumers' imbalanced lifestyle. From my perspective, product commercials is of no relevance to the detrimental overeating phenomenon.
Firstly, it is important to recognize that people should take the highest resonsibility for what they eat. To be more specific, advertisement does actually play the role of motivating and encouraging the clients to utilize the products. Nonetheless, it is never compulsory and mandatory for customers to purchase them. As an illustration, notwithstanding realizing the physically harmful effects and addictive substances in milktea, people tend to drink it more and more or even consider it as a daily habit.
Secondly, it is equally important to recognize that commercials is an irreplaceable and undeniable step in company's sale in particular and economic growth in general. Undoubtedly, imposing restriction on some certain food will create an unfair competitive advantage for other rival firms. Furthermore, a variety of advertisement for numberous food alternatives in different means of communication can develop the country economy steadily.
All things considered, under no circumstances should governmental ban or prohibition on advertising for some particular food products is publicly and widely accepted or supported. Likewise, it is essential that we organize a daily strictly healthy and balanced eating and exercising habit ourselves instead of accusing advertisement of our own diseases.
Hey! I'll first go through a proofreading edit for you. I'd recommend you work primarily on your grammer, sentence structure and word choices as I can see it affecting your score.
Over the past couple of decades, ... and
provoke promote/instigate debates.
Additionally, I'd recommend you refrain from such vague assertions since not all food advertisement is controversial. Maybe it's a personal belief though so do make sure you don't subdue your voice too much either.
overweight obesity are the adverse ... whilst the others hold their the view ... are owing due to the consumers' imbalanced lifestyles. ... commercials is are of no relevance ...
Good consideration both perspectives and statement of your own perspective. Indicates a clear structure that the essay could follow. It'd have been favourable if you considered both perspectives (that you mentioned in this paragraph) in your essay, elaborating upon arguments on either sade.Your essay right now pertains to a single side and hence fails to show sufficient width of knowledge, use of knowledge and perspective on the issue.
... the highest resonsibility (proofread) ...
Nonetheless, it is never compulsory and mandatory for customers ... Don't unnecessarily repeat words. Adding "and mandatory" here brings nothing of value to the statement while eating away at your word limit.
realizing the physically ... to drink it more and ... a daily habit so much ...
I appreciate your attempts at using new vocabulary. That shows to the examiner that you're attempting to push yourself. However, make sure you're aware of the form and context in which words are used. 'Notwithstanding' here is equivalent to 'regardless of' and hence should be used as such.
... company's sales in particular and for economic ...
some certain food commercials will create ...
I disagree with the point since it's likely that all firms in an industry will be faced with the same ban, right? I don't think firms across industries will benefit specifically because of a ban on companies' advertising campaigns that're not even their direct competitors
... develop the country's economy steadily.
Firstly, there are a lot of grammatical errors so please read this sentence properly. However, it's so close to an amazing point. You suggest that advertising can be used to promote a lot of foodstuffs. Well,then it can be used for healthy alternatives as well which could help people lose weight rather than gain it (e.g. cornflakes, eggs, oats etc.)
All things considered, under no ... I don't think your essay makes the argument for the bans not being supported. It makes the argument for the bans being unfavourable/wrong. It doesn't necessarily mean that they won't be supported.
... that we
organize a daily ... habit establish a habit of eating healthy and exercising daily ourselves instead of accusing advertisement of for our own diseases shortcomings.
thank you very much for your help, your correction is so helpful and understandable. I just wonder does is affect to scores if I choose one-sided essay instead of dicussing two views?