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Advice for my exercise - FOR INTRODUCTION - IELTS WRITING PART 2


rian31 14 / 22  
Aug 25, 2016   #1
Hello buddy,
please give your advice for my exercise
thank you

EXERCISE 1
1. As global trade increase, many goods, including those we use on a daily basis, produced in other countries and have to be transported long distance.

Do the benefits of this trend outweigh the drawbacks ?

Answer :

Nowadays, there are several products, including people use on daily activities are raise up by global trade. Besides, i would more likely it is an advantages because not only produced in our country but also the other country would be contribute for it. Furthermore the products was transport with distance, which are very far as such i will explaining about the benefits of this trend.

2. In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard his as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience.

Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.

Answer :

There are many children's engaging in an occupation in several countries. But some society disagree for this statement although another person think it an advantage for children to add some work experience. I think it is harmful for children it mean unacceptable for this statement. The children is better to learn in school than spend their time in workplace.

3. Unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood, or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

Answer :

Unpaid community service must be an important activity in school programs. There are several reason why i believe that charity program to build up student awareness in their circumstance and social skills student most of the critical program for school.
Heru22 5 / 7 1  
Aug 25, 2016   #2
hi i am heru, i will try to give several feedback for your essay.

... people use on daily activities are raise up raised(if you will say in the passive voice, you have to use verb 3 after to be) by global trade.

... but also the other country would be contribute (i think that it will better that you say the country would contribute/ the country would be contributed) for it. Furthermore the products was(because the subject is plural so you have to use were) transport with (...)far as such i will explainingexplain (it is bad because will + v1) about the benefits ...

There are several reasonreasons why i believe that charity program to build up student awareness in their circumstance and social skills student most of the critical program for school. (you need put verb in this sentences )

charity program will build up student awareness in their circumstance and social skills.
Faridadwi18 67 / 104 13  
Aug 25, 2016   #3
Hi Rian,

- Nowadays, there are several products, including tools which people use on daily ...
... likely it is an advantages because the products not only produced in our country but also the other countrycountries would be contribute for it.
- There are many children's engaging in an occupation in several countries. But some societysocieties disagree forwith this statement although another person think that it is an advantage for children to add get some work experienceS

... for children, it meanS unacceptable for this statement.
There are several reasonS why i believe that charity program towill build up student awareness in their circumstanceS and social skills student ...

Hopefully it helps. Keep Writing.
fikni05 3 / 3  
Aug 31, 2016   #4
Hi Riandi,
Here some correction from me for your writing

In number 1: ... products,including people use... ---> in that sentence, it's not clear what the people use revers to? you should say ...product including that people use

In number 1: Besides, i would more likely it is an advantages because not only produced in our ... --> same problem here, it's not clear what are you more likely for.? You should say Besides, i would more likely to see that it is an advantage... And it is not clear what the advantage is. It should be written in the first paragraph what is the benefit (just give the highlight) and then the explanation is in the body.

Well, there are some more correction we can discuss further more and some already correct in the comments above me.
keep learning. Hope our dream come true.
Iforsa 35 / 54 5  
Sep 1, 2016   #5
NowadaysIt's too common you can use other words like recently or these days or directly mention the year ,
there are several products, including people use on daily activities are raise up by global trade which people use on daily activities
Besides, i would more likely it is an advantages because (...) country would be contribute for it
But some society societies disagree for this statement


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