Hello everyone, could you please help me to grade my essay with IELTS criterias (Task Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range and Accuracy)
young and energetic or an older and experienced leader
Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. Do you agree or disagree?
The question should a young or an older people take a managerial position has been around for so many years. While I accept that older people must be a better choice to play in leader role, I also believe that being a young leader has some advantages.
On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why people should hire senior people for leadership positions. One reason is that a well mature person will have more knowledge and experience to tackle tough situation. Being aged means equally to have a long intense time of learning for new knowledge and to be able to apply that knowledge into real life circumstance in previous companies. Furthermore, older people tend to be more calm and patient. To be specific, these qualities will help them to take a step back, allow them to see thing as the big picture in order to make the best decision for an organization.
On the other hand, employment has different reasons to choose young people. Firstly, creativity is extremely important when it comes to be a leader and young people tend to be more outweigh in this aspect. If a company is in computer science industry which involves and high level of new ideas generating, then choosing a senior leader whose ideas is always fixed will not be appropriated. Secondly, junior people are more dynamic than the other. Many people believe that being around with young and energetic co-workers make them feel more alive and this could help them to bring up their working performance.
In conclusion, it is certainly true that being older can be an important factor to choose a leader, but this is by no means that the key consideration for every organization in making decide who is better to in charge.
Thank you very much for your grading.
It seems to me that your answer for the topic question is quite vague. I do understand that you don't completely agree with either side, it's ok to write about both sides, but to achieve a higher TA score, I think you should state your answer more directly, e.g which side you support more
About grammar and accuracy, below are some small mistakes I think you should take into consideration:
- Articles, such as: "to tackle tough situation" -> a tough situation/ tough situations.
"real life circumstance" -> add "the"
"as the big picture -> "a big picture" would be correct
- Some small mistakes:
"employment" -> employers
"to be more outweigh" -> "outweigh" is a verb, not an adjective
"whose ideas is" -> "are"
"not be approriated" -> "approriate" is already an adjective, so "inapproriate" is enough
"more dynamic than the other" -> unclear statement
"to bring up their working performance" -> "bring up" doesn't mean "improve". You can check the meaning of it here: dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/bring-sth-up
""working performance" -> this sounds unnatural to me. "Job/Work performance" is used more frequently.
I'm also preparing for the test, so my comment may not be totally trustworthy. Hope this helps. Feel free to discuss any point you disagree. Good day!
Hi @Tran Minh Hien,
Thank you very much for your response.
I am a little confused that if the sentence "While I accept that older people must be a better choice to play in leader role" is not directly enough then can you suggest another way to address this.
Thank you very much.
To be honest, if I were you, I would write a one-sided essay, in which I completely disagree with the discussion point ("young leaders would be a better choice"). The question is very direct: Do you agree or disagree? So, even though that there seems to be no rule to restrict a balanced approach as what you did, it is easier to just choose one side of the argument.
You can find some useful instructions here: /ielts-help-and-english-pr/2017/04/ielts-writing-task-2-agree-or-disagree-essay-structures.html
It seems that your essay falls into the category "almost balanced opinion, but favouring one side", so for that sentence, I suggest you should remove the word "must" or any word that shows "strong" opinions. Instead, list some elements that make you agree with the "older people" side.
Hope this helps!
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,552 3449
Huynh, this is a single opinion essay. All IELTS Task 2 essays are one sided unless otherwise specified. In this essay you have to make one clear choice for the discussion. That is, an agreement with the given statement since you say that you believe that a young leader has more advantages. Your opening paraphrase is also incomplete as you do not represent all of the original given information from the original discussion. A more appropriate representation would have been:
A discussion regarding younger people should be made the head of corporations. This is because, at the moment, more mature individuals are given the position of responsibility in these companies. I agree that young adults should be given these roles based on a number of factors.
The paraphrase needs to be clear, can show an ability to use synonyms, and also, restate the discussion instruction in a manner that indicates a clear understanding of the English instructions. In this instance, you misunderstood and thought you were being asked to do a comparison discussion between the old and young leaders in a given organization.
Now, based upon that error and the fact that this is your first post at this forum, I will not score this essay. I want to give you a chance to correct these mistakes and offer me a more solid and accurate representation of your skills covering the 4 scoring considerations. I look forward to reading your next essay and assessing your abilities then.
Here is a tip, never do a comparison discussion unless indicated to do so. A single opinion essay is always easier to write about because you focus on delivering only one straight explanation for related and supporting topics.