Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback % width Posts: 4

I agree that the media coverage of celebrities have a negative impact on children


PHANTAMANH 1 / -  
Dec 25, 2019   #1

Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children.


To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The media coverage of celebrities is believed to be having a negative on children. I totally agree with this opinion.
On one hand, it has lots of drawbacks on parent's economy. Children will have the favorite celebrities in society media, which makes them think about buying many the same clothes, shoes, glasses, hats,... as famous people. However, they are too young to make a killing, they have parents to buy all things for themselves. If their family do not allow buying those, children might react negatively such as being angry, dropping out of school or swearing,...As can be seen from the reports that approximately sixty percent of this situation might have occured.

On the other hand, it has negative impacts on children themselves. They might spend 4-5 hours per day surfing Internet without feeling bored or tired. Instead of studying hard, they become more and more lazy , the addition of creating a lot of habits. Unless the media coverage of celebrities is popular, the children will only concentrate on their study. For instance, they will take much time to study and hang out with their buddies. Therefore, they will become more sociable and creative if they are not neglected by media.

In conclusion, with reasons above, I completely agree. Each parents should give the best advice for their children about the celebrities'effect.

starrrr 1 / 2  
Jan 6, 2020   #2
Hi, I think it would be best if you could show/researched about recent studies about this kind of issue so your essay will not solely be based on your opinions alone. This way, you can have evidence or factual basis to back up what you believed in. For the grammatical purpose, you have to double-check before submitting it to your professors. I'm not a professional to give advice. This is just purely based on what I have read in your work :D Grammarly app is a huge help for me when it comes to grammar. You might want to check that out.
HanNguyen0510 18 / 40 17  
Jan 6, 2020   #3
Hi there,
I have some opinion about your essay. I hope it helps.

1/ General comments

- Your writing is considered as under length as it is only 225 words.
- Your introduction is unclear and doesn't paraphrase the topic appropriately. You just repeated the topic instead, and you should not close the introduction with your opinion "agree or disagree". You ought to indicate WHY you agree/disagree because these ideas will be linked to the next paragraphs.

- It's not hard to understand your opinions, however, your ideas are too general and you make it sound like you are discussing "advantages and disadvantages" essay than an opinion essay.

- Your essay carries an informal tone.
- The second main body paragraph is slightly off-topic, especially from "Unless the media.......with their buddies". It's very hard to understand your idea there.

- Your conclusion doesn't conclude your ideas, but it starts a new idea: parents' advice
- There are no connections between paragraphs and sentences
- Your writing is not consistent because you sometimes show examples (main body paragraph 2), but sometimes you don't (main paragraph 1).
- Your example should be specific and connect with the topic sentence of its paragraphs. For example (main paragraph 2)
+ Your topic sentence: Negative impacts on children themselves => Your example should be: certain figures for HOW the topic negatively impact on a child.

2/ Grammar

You have some basic grammar mistakes such as spelling/ articles/ :
+ Article: will have the favorite ...; surfing the Internet ... neglected by the media; etc.

+ Spelling: occured => occurred, Spelling is important in all kind of tests, it will reduce your score.
+ more lazy => lazier; social media
+ It in the first sentence of the two main body paragraphs (it has lots of drawback/ it has negative..) should not be used here as we don't know to which "it" prefer. That's supposed to be an unclear pronoun.

+ Lots of/ a lot of: informal and should not be used in academic writing.
+ Children will ... celebrities in society media, which who makes them think ... => I don't think you should use the relative "which" in this sentence because it makes the meaning different. Children will buy the same clothes as their favourite celebrities NOT the same as social media.

I haven't pointed out your wrong word choices just in case you get overwhelming. However, I think you should improve your basic knowledge of grammar and understand how to answer the topic properly, and practise how to paraphrase a topic appropriately.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,665 2035  
Jan 14, 2020   #4
Points will be deducted for the missing 25 words. The TA assessment for this essay falls under a 4 at the very least. So based on the points deductions and low TA score, there is no way this work will get a passing score. You are using slang terms such as "killing" when you meant "no way to earn a living" or "do not have any money", which will show that you are not thinking in an academic manner. The overall presentation will not score well in terms of LR, C&C or GRA. Next time you write a practice essay, try to do so in an academic tone. Take the time to properly format your sentences, use proper vocabulary, and do not use special punctuation marks. Limit yourself to using periods and commas instead.


Home / Writing Feedback / I agree that the media coverage of celebrities have a negative impact on children