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Toefl ; I agree that MONEY is the most important aspect of a job!


Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 13, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback
I am not sure about the essay. could anyone assist me?

The question is that

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important aspect of a job is the money that a person earns. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

I agree that money person earns is the most important aspect of a job. After receiving money from the job, people think about using it for education, family and business. Considering three reasons, money will be a contributing factor for married people having a baby to become successful in their life.

To begin with, at the end of each month, people get a salary to pay for tuition fee and other stationeries for their daughter and son. Nowadays, people who have to bring their children work very hard to take children to a school. They have to make money allowances necessary for the children. To illustrate, Mr Joe, who has three sons and two daughters, has to work seriously to draw money for education expenses. He spends a lot of money buying pencil, pen, rubber and schoolbag so that their children are ready for both teacher-centered and student-centered learning.

What's more, people want to spend money economically to take a family to a tourist attraction on New Year Day. Many people tend to save money each month so that they will have enough left to take their son and daughter to a beach, month and island.

Most importantly, they want to do their own business as another source of money after the retirement. Today there are many firms run by a couple who retired from the present job. They think that if they open the business, they can earn money for a living. Moreover, their children obtain benefit from the business, because they can automatically succeed to it. Although not being good at campus learning, they can help parents do business and learn its work effectively.

In conclusion, there is no denying that people can search for convenience and luxury from money earned by a job. The money is able to produce a graduate to work for a society, create a strong bond among family members and prevent anguish and concern over the life of children regarding their financial status after graduation

mr_turtle 2 / 6  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
Considering these three reasons, money will be a contributing factor for married couples with kids to become successful in life.

To begin with, At the end of each month, people get a salary to pay for tuition fee and other stationeries for their daughter and son.

Nowadays, people who have to bring their children work very hard to take children to a school.

This part is confusing, try rewording.

Will follow up with this essay tomorrow.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 14, 2009   #3
Thank you. Are there any problems with the essay?

I really need more feedback to prepare for the essay exam next month.
mr_turtle 2 / 6  
Dec 14, 2009   #4
They have to make money allowances necessary for the children.
They need to give allowance to their children.

To illustrate, Mr Joe, who has three sons and two daughters, has to work seriously to draw make money for educational expenses. He spends a lot of money buying pencils , pens , rubber*do you mean eraser? and schoolbags so that theirhis children are ready for both teacher-centered and student-centered learning.

What's more is that people want to spend money economically to take a family to a tourist attraction on New Year Day.

Many people tend to save money each month so that they will have enough left to take their son and daughter to a beach, month and island.

You need to clear this up, I don't understand what you're trying to say.

More importantly, they want to do their own business as another source of money after the retirement. Today there are many firms run by a couple who retired from the present job. They think that if they open a business, they can earn money for a living. Moreover, their children obtain benefits from the business, because they can automatically succeed to it. Although not being good at campus learningthis part is unclear too , they can help parents do business and learn its work effectively.

In conclusion, there is no denying that people can search for convenience and luxury from money earned by a job. The money is able to produce a graduate to work for a society, create a strong bond among family members and prevent anguish and concern over the life of children regarding their financial status after graduation.

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I suggest that you do the following to help you improve:

Using the question, determine what it is asking.
You have a good introduction as you agree with the question but you need to make your body paragraphs clearer.

You can do this by starting out with the points you want to make. Say that
Body Paragraph 1: Talk about education
Body Paragraph 2: Talk about Retirement

use that format to help you find out what each paragraph is about and then slowly add your ideas/points to it.

Hope that helps.


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