[TOEFL WRITING] Agree/Disagree? People would be happier if they had fewer possessions

Rarely anyone can deny the fact that people nowadays can readily obtain many different objects that that desire to get through various ways. People believe that it makes them feel satisfied and that this leads to the happiness of their lives. However, that line of thinking is hard to justify. There is a flip side to this coin. I agree with the given idea, considering two points taken into account.

To begin with, we cannot generalize that all rich people are happy because they have a great amount of money and many luxurious items. The first compelling reason for my position is that true happiness comes from within. Items like microwave and mobile phones make your life easier and more comfortable. Fancy cars and branded handbags can give you a great deal of pleasure. Nevertheless, they cannot make you a happier person because we have heard of many cases that rich people are in all different types of miserable states such as drug-taking, unhappy marriages, divorces, and even suicides. The example that nicely illustrates this aspect can be found in the case that the daughter of Samsung Company's chief had committed suicides a few years ago. The report said that the reason she had chosen death was because she was suffering from an uncontrollable stress about her dad and her marriage.

In addition, having fewer objects around you will relieve your stress caused by feeling anxious. This second opinion can be supported by one story in a book called 'Happiness of unpossession', written by Beop Jeong Seunim, one of the most respected monks in Korea. He introduced his own story that he once received a flower as a gift and he started to raise the flower in his temple. In his religious view, he respects all living creatures included the flower. Thus, he was always concerned about growing the flower without killing it and this made him to feel stressful whenever he's out as he was worrying about watering the plant. After the flower died, he realized the truth that people need to work on deserting what they already had because possession causes worries so that it can make them more comfortable and help them to be happier. After I read the book, I agreed upon his fundamental idea that unpossession is less stressful way to live a life.

Therefore, in light of two aspects aforementioned with examples, the given notion that fewer possessions would make people today happier is clearly valid. It will be wise for people to remember these, and try not to be too greedy to acquire something fancy, so that they can live less stressful lives that are full of true happiness that comes from within.

This is your opening sentence. What you should aim with that is to introduce your topic to the reader and of course in an interesting way. The more you complicate your message, the lesser it would be interesting to the reader. The above line has a simple idea, but you complicate it with your presentation. I think you should not do that.


.... This is very good.... you convey your idea very effectively to the reader by this line.
You have very good writing skills and have a great potential for a flying score :)
My suggestions are meant for you to go that extra mile ;)

To begin with, we cannot generalize that all rich people are happy because they have a great amount of money and many luxurious items.
==>>To begin with, not all the rich are happy simply because they possess great material wealth.

I believe you can wirte. But it seems that you tend to overuse transitional words.

Thanks so much :)