Do you agree reading book better than playing games or watching tv for children?

technology - a link to education and entertainment

Dear sir and madam, I have to do ielts test next month, so I really hope everyone can unable me to write essay better. Thanks for hearing me

My essay:
In dicussion of children's educational backup, it is witnessed subjectively by someone that reading book has left more beneficial than watching television or playing computer games. Personally, I partly concur with this view but it would not be ignored to note the exceptional perks of computer games and media as well.

Intitially, it is undeniable that reading book has a positive and promissing impact on youngster, particularly science and supplementary book. Not only broaden their wisdom but these kinds of books also promote good habits for kids on a daily basis. Not to mention that, keeping us concentrated has to be remained continously during reading process, which intentionally practises patience to younger people. Hence, books have been greatly valuable fortune.

However, in the context of technological advance, media accessibility early unables children to get global and trendy look as well as tend to learn and work in dynamic environment. Abandoning negativeness of games and media in modern life, they presumably benefits for children in being flexible, active and more creative through learning and searching information within vivid pictures, realistic sounds and eye-catching interfaces on games and TV as well. Children may comprehend and remember transparently in long term. Besides, playing computer games or watching TV is also a conscious choice to release pressure effectively under studying all the time.

To sum up, hardly we can evaluate clearly which option be more exceptional but it may be proven that taking advantage of technology is a shorter and more time-saving string to link to education and even entertainment.

I believe that you did well in some parts of this essay and not so well in the other sections. It would be best for you to get a scoring detail from me so that you will know which portions of the essay writing task you need to focus on improving.

Task Accuracy - 4

Based on the scoring criteria, your task accuracy suffered because you were not able to properly present your ideas in the essay. While you responded to the task requirement at the end of your first paragraph, you are missing an accurate paraphrase of the original topic for discussion. Next time, just restate the topic based on your understanding of the given discussion topic.

Your writing shows you understood the prompt, you just could not put your paraphrase into the right words. Sadly, you also forgot to summarize your discussion in the concluding paragraph, which, by the way, you turned into a simple sentence in this presentation. Definitely not the right format for the concluding summary.

Due to the lack of topic sentences in your paragraphs, your main ideas are difficult to find in your writing. While represented in the presentation of the sentences, the actual reasoning is blurred by the inaccurate discussion presentations.

Cohesiveness and Coherence - 4

Simply put, your paragraphs were not properly put together in terms of meaning and substance. This made the paragraphs difficult to read and thus, incomprehensible to the reader.

Lexical Resource - 4

While you cannot be faulted for having only basic usage skills of the British English vocabulary, as English is only your second language, you can be faulted for using inappropriate words to describe what you want to say in the task. This was caused by your limited ability to create British English sentences. Your inability to write understandable paragraphs made the essay difficult to understand.

Grammar Range and Accuracy - 3

There is a great degree of difficulty in understanding your overall essay due to the problems with grammar and punctuation. Based on the collective errors that your essay possesses, I regret to say that you will not get a very good score with this type of writing.