*The exact task/question for this exercise has been lost. I understand that you may not be able to determine if I answered the essay question correctly, could you assess if the organization, grammar, and cohesion/cohesiveness of my Academic IELTS Task 2 composition are sound?
Women has excelled in so many fields in today's world. They have asserted their competence proving themselves capable of competing with men's best representatives. Politics, science, and academe are some of the fields they excel in. Whist some people disagree with women's participation in the men-dominated army, navy, and air force, I strongly support the argument that they should be given the same chance as men to unquestionably participate in military service.
Our modern world has evolved so much that even in military, physiologic supremacy is an obsolete requirement for soldiers. Varied positions are now available which can be filled in by any qualified personnel regardless of sex. A good example would be piloting drones.
Another argument to assert women's right in participating the army is the fact that women tend to be better organizers than their opposite counterpart. Military is not just about muscles, in fact it encompasses extensive discipline in following strict protocols. A study has proven that women are 20% more likely to adhere with defined standards of their assigned tasks; this is a strong evidence, putting women ahead of the men in terms of service efficiency.
Lastly, cognitive ability is considered an important aspect of military personnel in relation to completing missions requiring extraordinary measures. The latest survey of the Department of Secondary Education has proven that more girls pass highschool competency exams than boys. It would indicate that women are more suitable in military works which need intellectual prowess.
In conclusion, there are so many reasons why women's contributions in military must not be doubted, but praised since they surpass men in some areas in military service.
...should be given the same chance same right as men to unquestionably undoubtedly to participate in military service....
....much that even in military, physiologic supremacy is an obsolete requirement for soldiers as an eligibility criteria has become obsolete now ...
Another argument to assert another fact that substantiates the women's right in participating the army is the fact that women tend to be better organizers than their opposite counterpart. ...
work on the conclusion part more...
Conclusively, though women is considered to be the weaker section of the society but she has proved herself ahead of men in every aspect of life from home to reigning the nation .
I tried my best to help here..good luck :)
Hi, I am a newbie here but I will try to give comments.
I think you should make a bridge sentence between introduction and first paragraph on the body.
"... I strongly support the argument that they should be given the same chance as men to unquestionably participate in military service.
Our modern world has evolved so much that even in military, physiologic supremacy is an obsolete requirement for soldiers. Varied positions are ..."
I am a bit confused with 'Our modern...' because there is no bridge there. You should elaborate more on that idea while in paragraph three and four you give fairly good explanations.
"It would indicate(s) that women are more suitable in military works which need intellectual prowess."
Goodluck!
