Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Agree or disagree : Younger school children should study art and music (TOEFL)


Allen Hu 8 / 26 4  
Aug 25, 2013   #1
The complete titile is "Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Younger school children (aged five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, language, science and history. "

Thanks a lot for your revise suggestion, I would work on it~

Undoubtedly, math, language, science and history are all extremely important subjects in student's education since these subjects provide students the basic understanding of the world. Therefore, some people assert that there is no need to learn other subjects for younger students. Nevertheless, the art and music, from my point of view, are also essential for younger student's future life because those subjects help students learn this planet from another perspective and they can release people from the enormous pressure nowadays. In this case, I would definitely agree that the art and music should be required to study.

First of all, art and music would broaden student's horzon and therefore make them thoughtful. It is well known that the art and music are not bound by country border, and they are something that is shared by the people from every parts of this world and is symbols of various cultures. Under this circumstance, learning art and music enables students to appreciate the fruits of eminent artists and musicians and to feel the fascination of different cultures. For instance, students are able to feel the greatest music masterpiece in Euopren as the symphony of destiny-Beethoven's most notable workpiece is played.

In addition, studying art and music is also the appropriate outlets of stress and superveb ways to relax. Obviously, with the improvement of life rhythm,people have currently suffered too much pressure from their studys or jobs, and these pressure are likely to destroy one person if he cannot find a way to emancipate himself. Art and music are, of course most accessible tools for modern people to liberate themself from the extremely stressful life. When enjoying one piece of brilliant paintings, such as the Mona Lisa, people would put all their pressure down on the ground and just think about what the most proficient and mysterious smile in this world stands for. At this moment, they would totally involve in the ocean of art and their stressful nervous would be relieved. Apparently, this sense towards art is built on the initial study on the art.

Admittedly, the study of art and music is supposed to rely on younger student's own interest. The education of art and music would not work if students resist it. Thus, the school should replace some basic science class with some art and music class in order to clutivate student's interest of art without adding extra study pressure.

In a nutshell, in the modern society,since understanding of the lengthen and depth of the world is important and meanwhile people have burdened excessive pressure, younger students' art and music education should not take the second place.

gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Aug 25, 2013   #2
Hi,

First of all, I think you have definetely improved a lot compared to your previous essays. Well there are spelling and grammar errors, but
I think you can work on those eventually. What is important is that you were able to present a smooth flow of ideas with a nicely structured

essay.

However, I find that your ideas did not respond to the essay prompt fully. Your essay was suppose to be about why arts and music should

be included in the curriculum at an earlier stage instead on a primary or secondary level. This is extremely important, so as what most people

have adviced, try to read the prompt as often as you can so that you won't miss out anything.

hope this helps...
OP Allen Hu 8 / 26 4  
Aug 26, 2013   #3
Thanks for your feedback~~
I appreciate this, but my essay is focused on the compare of "arts, music" and other subjects. I think you provide me with another point of view, whereas my perspective works as well, am I right? Maybe there are some different perspectives to interpretate the essay prompt?
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Aug 26, 2013   #4
Younger school children (aged five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition

this statement is included in your prompt so you should incline your idea on 'why it should be taught on that specific age range'
What is the difference if it is being taught at an older age? I observed that you were only genaralizing your subject as 'young student' only.


Home / Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree : Younger school children should study art and music (TOEFL)