Hi tutors, could you please help to assess my essay below? This is the first time I create a post in this forum. Please inform me if you find any issue in my post. Many Thanks :)
goods being transferred by airplanes
These days many crops such as fruit and vegetables is significantly transferred by airplanes to areas where their farmers could not cultivate them or these products would not grow there at the moment. People have different views about this transportation method. While some argue that it should not be used air transportation for this aim and its consequences is not acceptable, I believe that it could be a positive progress for us.
There are various reasons why people believe that usage of air transport should not expand and it will have detrimental effects in the future. They may assert that this way of transportation would likely cause air pollution and Humanity will be exposed to many possible risks such as respiratory diseases. Moreover, this method of transmission is quite expensive and people in destination may buy the produces in higher fees compared to the source country. Besides, governments would usually take tax on export goods. Hence the prices of these products will highly rise and this increase would be difficult for average people to afford it.
In spite of these drawbacks, I believe that this type of transportation could be mutually beneficial for exporter and importer. In my opinion, people receiving these agricultural products can benefit from them and they can have a wide variety of fruits or vegetables all the time. In addition, it can make more job opportunities in the country of origin and consequently, it would lead to economic growth in these countries.
In conclusion, although it might appear air transfer is damaging and it is stated we should not use it, I personally think their benefits outweigh the disadvantages and it is a huge advance in our transportation system.
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Medhi, one of the many problems that your essay possesses is that you did not compose an accurate prompt restatement. Now, without seeing the original prompt, which I wish you had posted instead of the shortcut instructions in the title box, I cannot give you an example of the proper content and format for the response. However, I can tell you that the mistake you made is in the discussion format method as indicated by your short instruction mentions.
Instruction: Discuss both points of view and your personal opinion
Response: While some argue that it should not be used air transportation for this aim and its consequences is not acceptable, I believe that it could be a positive progress for us.
As you can see, your discussion restatement is the main mistake that you created in this paragraph. You deviated from the prompt discussion which should have only stated that you will discuss both points of view and then your personal opinion. Instead, you presented an analytical opinion essay with a direct response. Two actions that are not done in an opinion discussion essay. Read the other samples here to get an idea of how to more accurately create a prompt paraphrase.
While your second paragraph is complete in terms of the sentence requirement, all you have presented here are reasons without explanations. As such, the paragraph presented is not completely informative. An accurate body of paragraph should have the following information:
1. One topic sentence at the start
2. Reason for this belief
3. Supporting sentence
5. Explanation of sample / transition sentence
Now, you were not able to properly do the above because of your presentation that focused more on just listing talking points rather than actually developing your discussion. The talking points are not as important as the clear and cohesive explanation of the reason. You could actually complete this essay in the following paragraph format:
2. POV 1 - 1 topic, reason, explanation, sample
3. POV 2 - 1 topic, reason, explanation, sample
4. Personal Opinion - 1 topic, reason, explanation, sample
5. Concluding summary of the topic, discussion instruction, topics, and closing sentence (restatement of personal opinion
Based on the outline, you can clearly see not only where you made mistakes, but also, how you can improve your writing for this type of essay instruction format.