TOEFL independent essay Please give me advice :) I will really appreciate it.
transportation vehicles that changed people's lives
Transportation is always an essential part of human life. if I really had to choose from these options, I would definitely prefer the airplanes. I feel this way for the main two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.
First and foremost, the advent of airplane enables us to travel much distant with ease. In the past, our ancestors had not clear imaginations of other countries' appearances, while today we can travel around the world as much as we want even if it is Antarctica. According to our national history, the Chinggis Khan could not solve the problem of how across the seas, so he was not able to conquer countries which surround by oceans. Even if he defeated half of the world, the sea was the main reason he could not be the king of the whole world. Nonetheless, our modern world, we travel freely around all countries even if it is located in the seas such as Japan and Korea.
On top this, invention of plane improve our diplomatic communication which allows us to develop our countries in some many ways such as economy and reputation. Drawing from my own country's example, every year thousands of tourists visit in Mongolia and contribute a great number of dollars into our economy. It helps us to improve our infrastructure and buildings in particular residents' lives. it goes without saying that it is also a great opportunity to show our country's beautiful heritage and share our exceptional histories with them.
Thirdly, this great discovery provides thousands of students to study abroad and without any difficulties to arrive in their home country to meet their beloved ones. I admit that my opinion on this matter has been profoundly influenced by my own experience. While I was studying in Russia, I had no obstacles to arrive at my home and go back to my university during school vacations. Studying alone in another country is a great challenge for everyone because they feel homesick a lot. However, thanks to the airplane, they do not need to suffer from this for a long time.
In conclusion, I am of the opinion that airplane is the transportation that has greatly altered people's life. This is because it gives people the chances to discover other countries and improve their host's living conditions and study abroad with more ease.
Guys help me :) Is there anyone how can evaluate my essay? Thank you so much.
Hello. I'd like to give some of my opinions about your essay.
Your opening is too simple, I guess. You should try to paraphrase it better. Also, I suggest you use the word "explain" instead of "explore".
You mentioned two reasons for choosing airplanes in your opening. But as I can see, your essay has 3 reasons.
I suggest you check your grammar carefully. To name a few grammar mistakes: "which is surrounded by seas", "... improves our diplomatic...", "...many ways (delete
Thank you for this reply :) i will do my best!
I think in terms of this independent essay, you're topic sentences are very clear in explaining how transportation has changed people's lives. You just have some corrections to make with grammatical errors.
In this sentence ,However, thanks to the airplane, they ....
you could state,
However, students do not need to suffer from this obstacle due to the advances in transportation.