Playing computer games is a waste of time
Nowadays, most children spend their leisure time playing video games. Most parents find it an easy way to keep their children busy while doing their own business. Personally, I believe that we should not allow children to play games. In this essay, I will support my opinion with reasons and examples.
Firstly, what is the benefit of playing video games? Have you ever seen anyone who had learned something useful from video games? If I want to be honest I have not. For example, my 9-year-old cousin who plays video games all time just became more aggressive. The only thing he had learned is how to kill people and the names of guns. Video games have become his whole life and he doesn't live in reality anymore. When I see my cousin, I realize that video games are not only just a waste of time but indeed it's harmful.
Secondly, video games are rather addictive, what I mean by this is that when children start playing them they don't sense passing time and as a result, they sit in that position for hours. This phenomenon might seriously damage their spine. For instance, when I was a child I used to play GTA for hours each day. It was too addictive that I used to play it without a tiny rest from time to time and consequently, I have back and neck problems nowadays. All children who play video games are susceptible to these kinds of harm and we should take it seriously.
To sum up, seeing a child playing video games is a commonplace that should be stopped. Because they incite violence among young people and also might adversely affect their health conditions. In my view, children should spend their free time with more useful activities like reading and exercising instead of playing video games.
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There are different rules for writing the TOEFL test that vary from the IELTS format. Though the two tests may share prompt questions, that does not mean that they need to use the same discussion format. The difference is that the IELTS test requires a thesis statement presentation or, as in this case, a presentation of the discussion instructions. The TOEFL test, requires a direct opinion discussion in the first paragraph. You don't even have to restate the prompt at this point, just make sure to discuss the topic with clarity and conviction. Your presentation follows the IELTS format rather than the TOEFL format. Keep the difference in mind next time you do a practice essay.
In the reasoning explanation, you said your cousin does not live in reality anymore, you have to follow that up with an explanation. Why did you say that? How does it relate to the video games argument? Since that is a totally stand alone presentation, it is best to discuss it in another paragraph. That way you can always use explanations to the hilt, making sure your opinion is clearly explained and represented with supporting facts.
Your writing is acceptable and shows a clear understanding of the given prompt. It has good supporting statements, but these could still use some work due to the lack of explanation for one reference point that you presented.
Essay sounds good to me! Yet one thing, you mentioned your cousin does not live in reality anymore, you have to follow that up with an explanation. Thanks!