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Along with job, marriage, having a child comes the moment when you cannot escape from being an adult


Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Nov 11, 2014   #1
People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer

It is inevitably to become an adult someday since time flies. There are many events such as obtaining the first job, being married and having a kid will prove that you are no longer a kid. This essay will confirm all mentioned above events.

Generally speaking, having a job is the first step of being an adult because that it is the moment when you can rely only on yourself. You will have to worry about your income and expenses when it comes to daily activities such as shopping, supplying essential commodities, and buying medicines since you can no longer rely on somebody as parents or relatives. Even though, it is quite common to see that some people still rely on their parents after having a job. However, it is not permanent because after all this is their life, and their parents cannot live forever with them. To clarify, imagine yourself having a first job after a definite interview. The result is obvious, from that point of life, you will have to independently shoulder an abundance of responsibilities and being an adult is all about liabilities.

Alongside a first job, marriage is also the event that prove that you are ready to become a person for many people to rely on. By marrying, you as an adult will need somebody to fulfill the happiness of having a new family 'a child'. Having a child is the moment when it will force you to be an adult since you will have to take care of your offspring to make your child fit in well with our society as well as your family. By way of example, envision yourself marrying and thus as time goes by you will have a child who needs you to rear. As a result, you cannot be a kid anymore since you will have to be a role model for your kids to provide them a good example of typical human being.

All in all, I consider that job is the event which will force you to become the real adult owing to the numerous responsibilities. Along with job, marriage or especially having a child is also the moment when you cannot escape from being an adult because the child will need somebody to teach him.

logo3098 5 / 16 1  
Nov 11, 2014   #2
You certainly did your best to express your relevant and very good opinions on the topic presented. I applaud you for your excellent effort and clearly thought out and developed essay. However, your grammar needs help in order to better present your ideas.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 11, 2014   #3
Shon, this is a remarkable improvement over your past essays. I commend you for the obvious logic and paragraph development that you carefully constructed for this essay. I have a few grammar corrections to point out though. I hope you won't mind :-)

It is inevitably to become an adult someday since time flies. There are many events such as obtaining the first job, being married and having a kid will prove that you are no longer a kid. This essay will confirm all mentioned above events.

- We all inevitably become adults over time. These adult creating chapters in our lives are commonly marked by the first job, getting married, and having children. Placing a new sense of responsibility upon a person with every facet and thus requiring him to mature intellectually, socially, and morally.

Generally speaking, having a job is the first step of being an adult because that it is the moment when you can rely only on yourself. You will have to worry about your income and expenses when it comes to daily activities such as shopping, supplying essential commodities, and buying medicines since you can no longer rely on somebody as parents or relatives. Even though, it is quite common to see that some people still rely on their parents after having a job. However, it is not permanent because after all this is their life, and their parents cannot live forever with them. To clarify, imagine yourself having a first job after a definite interview. The result is obvious, from that point of life, you will have to independently shoulder an abundance of responsibilities and being an adult is all about liabilities.

- A person's first job signifies the first step of his adulthood. He now must learn to rely on himself and take on the responsibility of taking care of his daily needs. His parents no longer provide support and thus, adds to his pressure to learn how to live his life peacefully and in order.

Alongside a first job, marriage is also the event that prove that you are ready to become a person for many people to rely on. By marrying, you as an adult will need somebody to fulfill the happiness of having a new family 'a child'. Having a child is the moment when it will force you to be an adult since you will have to take care of your offspring to make your child fit in well with our society as well as your family. By way of example, envision yourself marrying and thus as time goes by you will have a child who needs you to rear. As a result, you cannot be a kid anymore since you will have to be a role model for your kids to provide them a good example of typical human being.

- Aside from the job, marriage also proves the maturity of a person as it dictates taking responsibility for the life of your spouse and eventually, of your children. You are now an adult who can procreate and responsibly raise the next generation of humans who will also come into adulthood in their own time and pace. By taking on the responsibility of caring for another life, a person reaches the penultimate form of adulthood.

Shon, you should have just included a separate statement about your opinion. That is the only critique I can make about the content of the essay. You are developing quite well. Keep up the good work :-)
OP Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Nov 12, 2014   #4
you should have just included a separate statement about your opinion

thanks Louisa, could you explain this advice in more detail?
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 12, 2014   #5
All throughout the essay, you made it clear that you were speaking on general terms, that means you were discussing a point of view that was not your own. Since you presented the essay in those terms rather than using the first person pronouns in your explanations, the essay lost your voice, your opinion. As such, the need to create a separate paragraph that includes a first person pronoun as an explanation with example became necessary. You can adjust the essay simply by using "I" as your first pronoun word whenever possible. You could start off the essay by saying "I believe" instead of "Generally speaking" the whole tone of the essay will change to your opinion and examples from that point on. A simple revision should fix the problem :-)


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