Hello, i'm newbie in writting ielts. Please correct my grammatical range, flow sentence and lexical resource,
and this is the question..
It is very important that children should study hard at school. Time spent playing sport is time wasted. Do you agree or disagree ?
Education is a golden rule for children as a young generation. Although some people believe that studying hard has to be done by the children and doing sport just waste of time, I am convinced that playing sport is not time-consuming activity and both of two activities have potential effects for the children.
Currently, the large numbers of children have a hectic studying schedule. Due to the fact that high mark on standardized test is required for several determinant purposes. Firstly, the children need to get certain score in order to be able to go on the next grade of school. Taking Indonesian children as an example, those studied in the last grade of elementary school have more than 10 hours per day of studying in order to pass the certain subjects within standard score given by the government. Moreover, the numerous numbers of outstanding universities set a hard test to be accepted to the university. For a pragmatic instance, Chinese children have studied 12 hours per day for three years preparation for gakao exam which is the toughest test in China that determines collage placement for China's high school seniors. It is thus clear that studying hard is extremely important for their better future.
However, there are various reasons why the children have to spend more time in doing physical activity. First and foremost, doing sport can help children to develop their social and teamwork skill which will benefit for them throughout their entire lives, owing to the fact that they learn to interact with other people while they play sport. To illustrate, in playing basketball, the children will be not only getting new friends but also building cooperation skill which is needed for their future career as well as personal relationship. Moreover, another positive aspect is that doing physical activity keeps children's body fit as they who active in sport can reduce the risk of various health issues, such as obese. The percentage of overweight children in western society, for instance, has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. This is because they are lack of exercise. They will also be more concentrate in studying as well as doing exam, since they have a healthy body. It is like that old adage said 'a healthy body, a healthy mind', which means that in a healthy body there is a healthy mind.
To sum up, it is clear to me that although studying hard is important, doing physical activity is as important as studying. Therefore, the children need to spend time to play sport as the advantages outweight the drawbacks. Last but not least, they have to make it balance between studying and playing sport.
Thanks..
Although some people believe that studying hard has to be done by the children and doing sport just waste of time, I am convinced that playing sport is not time-consuming activity and both of two activities have potential effects for the children. This sentence is quite bulky. Your opinion should have its own sentence!
Currently, the large numbers of children have a hectic studying schedule. Due to the fact that high mark on standardized test is required for several determinant purposes. It is erroneous to decouple these sentences!
While it is a wonderful thing that you have lots of examples to offer, but 2 examples for 1 paragraph are excessive!
The same applies to your second body paragraph!
IELTs itself assess your writing ability not the amount of words you write. 280-320 words would be more than sufficient to obtain the highest score.
Hi vns9x..
You're right.. I forgot to count my words, though.
But, both my first body and second body paraghraph are multiple-idea paraghraph, so i try to explain by giving example..
Overall, Thanks for your advice.. it's really helpful to improve my writting skill.
