Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

GRE Analitical Writing. Issue task: "Reliance on technology to solve problems".


lz177 1 / 2  
Oct 16, 2015   #1
Hello, I am studying to take the GRE revised general test and I know that my writing skills are very poor so far. I hope that you can help me to reach a good level by showing to me my most frequents flaws.

This is the task I chose to face:

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


It is obviously true that nowadays people rely more and more on technology and this is a natural consequence of its the intrinsic nature: if you think of technology in terms of means of transport, computers and appliances, it becomes soon clear that its ultimate goal is to simply lives. Since every form of live (from the bacterium to the human) wants to maximize its reward and to minimize its energy consumption at once, it follows that would be simply irrational not to use technology.Nevertheless, that the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate by relying on it is questionable, and there are some fields in which its usage is fundamental.

It is surely true that, by using washing machines to clean our clothes, we might forget (or never learn) how to hand wash them; it is also true that, by using the internet to do our research, we might never be able to carry out a traditional research in a library amid old books. It can also happen, as one may state, that the habit of using a calculator to perform also simple calculations or that of switching on our navigator to reach also our workplace may undermine the development of some of our cerebral skills.

However, it comes difficult to me to imagine a world in which we have forgotten how to walk because of habitual car's usage; and it is even more complicated to me to figure how we could find and locate the exact position of a cancer without devices such as the Magnetic Resonance Imaging machines or how we could diagnose an arrhythmia in heart beats without taking advantages of an ECG, with the same current accuracy.

This is to say that a rational and moderate usage of technology can only benefit us and make our life a bit easier; moreover certain applications of technology (e.g. those in the medical field) are lifesaving and therefore fundamental.

In conclusion, it is basically up to us and to our consciences which will be the future effects of an extensive usage of technology; the reasons that lead to technological products are almost always undoubtedly noble and we should do our best to beget something productive out of them. For instance, to use a dishwasher do to the washing up is exceedingly effective and it saves us a raft of time; if we use that time to ruminate on the strings' theory or to simply read a book, our society is destined to improve and to reach a prosperous future. If instead, we use that time to watch some silly talent show on the television or to play video games we will not go really far in our lives. Fundamentally, it all depends on where we decide to invest our gained time, it all depends on us.

I would appreciate any kind of comments, corrections, suggestions.

Many thanks.

lz177

hypersis 7 / 24 7  
Oct 16, 2015   #2
Hey, I suggest that u take a look on GRE kaplan 2011- 2012, writing section. It provides u with valuable sources of information about the writing tips
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 16, 2015   #3
While I will admit that your English grammar requires you to attend more English tutorial classes for both written and oral and communication in order to help you better develop your expression skill, your essay does make sense to a certain degree. You see the value of the human mind in everything that we do based upon technology and yet, you failed to point that out as the main reason that the human mind can never deteriorate in the face of our technology reliance.

At first, I thought that your opening paragraph would be a mess that did not make sense because of the way you strung the sentences together. I was mistaken though, towards, the end, you somehow managed to, in your own way, summarize the prompt in such a manner that reflected what the essay meant for you to discuss.

The overall essay showed that you understand how the human mind works. That all of these technology that we have emanated for the imagination of the human brain based upon our need for these items to make our lives easier and safer. Why didn't you discuss the human brain from that point of view? You said so yourself, the main aim of technology is to make our lives easier. What is the source of that desire? The human brain. It knows that things can be done easier and it devices ways to do it.

So, the main argument of your essay should have been that the more man relies on technology for his everyday life, the more useful the human brain will become. The human brain is what will discover the avenues that need technology and then, develop the technology to make that avenue easier for us to deal with. Therefore, the human brain will never deteriorate.

The main problem that I have with your essay is your conclusion. It is not really a conclusion but an additional discussion of reasons that support your claims. As such, it cannot be considered a proper conclusion. Regardless of whether you are taking the TOEFL, GRE, IELTS, or whatever, the conclusion always has the same purpose. To wrap up the discussion by offering a summary of the important points of the essay and the repetition of your stand on the matter. As you can see, your final paragraph does not really do this so it cannot be considered an accurate conclusion to the topic.
OP lz177 1 / 2  
Oct 17, 2015   #4
@hypersisThanks for the suggestion; even though I have been studying from the Manhattan book, I will try to have a look also at the book you mentioned.

@vangiespenI am very grateful for the insightful analysis of my essay. I acknowledge that my conclusion cannot be really called so, and that I should learn to make more effective ones. I consider very valid your clues to the other subjects I could have discussed and illustrated.

However, according to GRE's textbook, what really matters is how we are able to provide examples to prove a point and to corroborate our statements. They should not test the validity of them, since we are not supposed to have a specific knowledge of any topic; therefore it seems that, in this field, a "correct" answer does not exist.

As you may have guessed, I am not a native speaker and besides, my field of study is a scientific one; thus, I seldom, if ever, have written English essays and this is the reason why my English skills and my grammar are poor.

Since I am intent on improving them, could you highlight the most important mistakes (concerning grammar or sentence structure) I have made in the essay or how I could have made my sentences more English sounding and expressive?

Can you recommend to me any specific textbook or other strategies not to make the same errors again?
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 17, 2015   #5
The first thing you have to understand is that English cannot be transliterated from your spoken language. That means that a sentence in your mother tongue that makes perfect sense to you, when translated word for word into English, will most likely result in an incomprehensible translation of the thought. Such is the common mistake of most English as a second language speakers and writers. I believe that this is the very same reason that your English language and your mode of expression in English suffers so badly at the moment.

Where do I begin with your grammar errors? There are just too many at the moment to point out. My suggestion, is that you enroll in English language classes in order to help support your GRE review. Formal lessons either in person or online pertaining to written English will help you immensely. Since you are taking a written test, we don't need to worry about the spoken English aspect at this point. Besides, the spoken part will be helped by your improved writing skill since you have to think of the sentences you have to write.

I am not going to recommend any actual books to you regarding how to improve your grammar. Rather, I would like you to consider studying the English sentence and word structure rules online. You could learn about the proper way to develop a basic English sentence from websites like Lingua Press. They have a comprehensive website covering the rules of English grammar. It is easy to understand and comes with a number of examples that will easily help you understand how to write the sentences in a coherent manner :-)

As for your writing skills, you need to first practice writing simple English sentences before you launch into the more complex GRE essays. Again, websites like To Learn English offer you a multitude of English sentence formation tests from the basic structure to the more complex and advanced practice tests. These practice tests can help you learn to properly structure and compose English sentences over a period of time.

In the long run, if you combine the online reviewer, online sentence practice tests, and your GRE essay reviewer, you might be able to develop a high level of English proficiency. How much time do you have before you take the GRE? I hope my suggestions can also help you better prepare for the test :-)
Takeiteasy 5 / 12 6  
Oct 18, 2015   #6
I'd like to give you some thoughts on the level of writing paragraphs. It seems you need a topic sentence, or small thesis, in the beginning of the paragraph I quote below. You immediately start with examples, however, from my point of view, you could have started with a sentence like: Technology can help people do what they can't possibly do before, but at the same time it also makes people lose skills that they should have learned otherwise. With this claim, you then proceed with examples and reasons to support it. In the end of the paragraph, again, it is generally a good idea to summarize your points and pave the way for the next paragraph. For example, you may end the paragraph with a sentence such as: As these examples have shown, it seems inevitable that we will lose certain skills when we employ new technologies in our lives.

It is surely true that, by using washing machines to clean our clothes, we might forget (or never learn) how to hand wash them; it is also true that, by using the internet to do our research, we might never be able to carry out a traditional research in a library amid old books. It can also happen, as one may state, that the habit of using a calculator to perform also simple calculations or that of switching on our navigator to reach also our workplace may undermine the development of some of our cerebral skills.
OP lz177 1 / 2  
Oct 18, 2015   #7
@vangiespen
Thanks for the suggestions. Anyway, I do not think that writing again and again simple sentences can help me improve my expression skills. Likewise, poring over a grammar book is not the best option to lead me to write decent essays.

I will take the exam in less than a month.

@Takeiteasy
Thank you so much; admittedly, that paragraph seems much stronger with your additions.
I saw that you are going to take the GRE, too. Good luck!


Home / Writing Feedback / GRE Analitical Writing. Issue task: "Reliance on technology to solve problems".