This is the first time I post my essay on this website, if I break some rules please point out! This essay is written for IELTS Academic Task 2. I look forward to your corrections!
Nowadays animal experiments are widely used to develop new medicines and to test the safety of other projects. Some people argue that these experiments should be banned because it is morally wrong to cause animals to suffer. While others are in favor of them because of the benefits to humanity. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
There is evidence that animal experiments are an essential part of scientific research. People supporting this idea claim that animal experimentation is beneficial in terms of medical safety. From my perspective, they should be limited and the method of experiments needs to be developed in order to reduce the pain and torture of animals.
It is undeniable that experimentations on animals leads to a more efficient and truth-oriented result. Animals are similar to humans in many aspects because we both have complex internal structures. Scientists can test out the safety and effectiveness of medicines by observing animals' behaviors after experiments. From supporters perspective, animal experimentation is greatly needed before new medicines' promotion because the sacrifice of animals justifies the human lives saved by medicines.
Nevertheless, performing experimentations on living animals seems to be a barbarous way to deprive animals of living right. Indeed, animals have their right and preference to live even if they cannot communicate in human language. It is ethically wrong to torture those animals for our own benefit. For instance, in some cases, laboratory mice are infected with a certain virus for testing out the effectiveness of medicines, most of them eventually end their lives with extreme sufferings. On the other hand, extreme use of experimentation on animals leads to the damage of biological diversity. The most common test animals such as mice are now facing a huge loss of quantity because of overuse experiments.
In conclusion, subjecting animals to experiments is necessary but morally evil. Unless alternative targets are invented, animals' experiments are still needed for medical research, however it is crucial for scientists to develop methods to reduce the trauma caused to a large extent.
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Zhang, this is only a partial response to the essay topic. The reason it is only partial is because there is a focus on animal testing in the medical setting, but not in the product safety testing phase. Thus you discussed only one section of the essay prompt. Additionally, you are not discussing the essay in the 2 points of view then personal opinion presentation. This essay has the read and feel of a personal point of view presentation only. As such, you will not get a passing score in terms of task accuracy. The concluding paragraph is never to be used as a continuation of the essay discussion. It must only summarize the given discussion. This being your first essay presentation here, I can tell you that there is major room for improvement in your work. You need to understand how to write these essays through examples. Read the sample essays and advice given at this forum, you will be sure to learn about how to properly approach and discuss these essays from the advice given to the others here.
Thank you for your advice!
So for this prompt, can i use the following structure:
1. Paraphrase and give my own opinion
4. My own opinion
Yes, the paraphrasing in this essay is not clear at all. I will definitely manage to do that next time!