The number of animals disappearing is increasing at an alarming rate.
This essay will discuss several main factors that cause this situation and suggest some solutions.
In my opinion, the growing rate of animal extinction was due to both on land and in sea reasons.
First of all, on the ground, cutting down an enormous rain forest area leads to damage to wildlife habits. Therefore, animals will be put at a higher risk because they can not find home and face numerous difficulties adapting to the new living environment. Another factor that puts animals on the verge of extinction is that various human activities result in adverse impacts adversely on the marine environment. For example, waste discharged from factories and residents' houses and oil spills during extraction contaminate water, which poses a serious threat to marine species.
Solving these problems requires the collaboration of Government, Business Company, and Residents. First of all, stricter punishment should be imposed on illegal logging, overexploitation, deforestation, and overfishing. Next, Businesses and Companies should install proper waste treatment systems to freshen wastewater before discharging it to land, river, and ocean. The government should also provide financial support to organizations fighting for environmental rights and action to run the campaign to raise people's environmental awareness. And lastly, the educational program should be adjusted to include more knowledge about the harmful consequence of the pollution for animals' existence.
In conclusion, if there are no proper solutions, animals will suffer from a higher risk of extinction, which results in undesirable negative effects on the ecosystem.
Ideas used for this essay are quite good. But remember, IELTS does not mark you on the ideas, they mark you on your language skills. Hence focus on the four points shared below:
1. Task achievement - Your essay should be a minimum of 250 words. What you have written is fine which is just 257. I would suggest you to aim for at least 270-290 words.
2. Coherence and cohesion (structure and flow) - Putting you opinion statement in the intro would be a better idea presentationwise. Also be as clear and direct as possible. Instead of saying several factors write "two main reasons" that provides clarity which is an important element of your essay.
3. Lexical resource (vocabulary and accuracy) - leads to damage towildlife habits this would reduce you marks as you have spelled habitats incorrectly. Always proofread as it will make a huge difference. More importantly, try to use synonms wherever possible with accuracy. The word residents can be written as locals, citizens, people etc. Include linkers such as - Such as, Whereas, While, Although, However, Along with and others.
4. Grammar - Correct use of tenses and a variety of sentence structures are essential. Try to maintain a single tense (depending on essay topics) and add a variety of sentences like simple, compound and complex to your essay. This will help boost your score.