Animal products no longer needed?

animals as a material

Hello everyone.

I am a college student who is about to sit the very first IELTS examination in the next couple of months. Therefore, I do need constructive feedback on my Task 2 essay (and preferably an estimated bandscore if possible). I hope you guys can help me out with this difficult task as I am really stressed out.

The question: In the modern world, people no longer need to use food or products from animals, such as medicine and clothing. Do you agree or disagree with that statement?

My answer: In this day and age, many hold the view that the use of animals to produce food and various products in different aspects of society namely clothing and medicine is no longer necessary. From my perspective, I wholeheartedly side with this view and will discuss several compelling reasons in this essay.

These days, advocates of reducing meat intake as the primary food source in daily meals should have their belief justified. In fact, there is a growing concern over the issue related to life-threatening cancers and cardiovascular disease, two of which might be caused by excessive consumption of red meat on a regular and long-term basis. This seems to reflect poor health conditions amongst consumers, raising the demand for appropriate changes in human diets with a view to addressing meat-related health challenges and improving public health. As a result, a myriad of alternative meat products are available in the market. A typical example of these alternatives is apparently exemplified through a plant-based diet, which is scientifically proven to provide the same number of nutrients for consumers as a meat-based diet. If a person consumes mushroom and tofu regularly, their body will still function extremely well on account of high levels of protein in these two ingredients, once thought to be exclusively found in meat.

Furthermore, alternatives have been introduced to gradually replace animal products in medical sector and clothing industry. In particular, medical experiments on animals have long been criticised for their inhumanity and brutality, causing animals to suffer for human personal gains. I firmly believe that modern medicine is likely to express a preference for plant-based treatment through the use of herbs and unique plant types such as ginseng to cure diseases, prolong human life expectancy and aid medical practitioners. To a certain extent, the idea of using plants in medicine triggers a change in the attitude of fashion industry. A large number of designers are currently attempting to experiment on plant materials to manufacture high-end clothing lines and accessories, thus safeguarding endangered species including tigers and crocodiles against being killed for fur and skin to cater the needs for luxury coats and handbags.

In conclusion, I personally contend that animals should not be taken as a material in fashion industry and medicine, or consumed in our daily meals. Alternatives to animal products are available in form of plants, which seems a better and more humane option to be experimented and further developed in the long run.

I do appreciate your effort in proofreading my essay.

In my point of view your essay was strong and you provided a lot of arguments without writing off-topic, which is always good. However, it seems like your essay was a little bit wordy and some sentences were hard to read.

Things that I like in your essay:
1.Strong and defined arguments
2.Well structured essay
3.Usage of advanced vocabulary
4.Few grammatical errors
5.Usage of different complex structures
I rewrote your essay: (it was just few mistakes)
deleted - no changes has been made

Good luck on your test. I am sure that you will get an amazing score!

There is a great possibility that you could get an over 6 score for this type of writing. Your thought process is clear, your explanations are supported by reasonable examples, and you present a validity to every argument you make. The problem though, is that you were not asked to discuss a personal opinion and you did that as the last paragraph of your essay. That means, your essay does not have a proper summary conclusion and as such, ended as an open essay rather than a closed essay.

You also wrote the essay without the use of a timer. Which means that you took your time in writing 357 words. The safest word count for this essay section is from 250-300 words to allow for editing after the draft writing. Next time, use a timer so you can get an accurate time measurement of how well you write, and if you can close the essay properly, within the allotted time.

There are grammar issues in your essay that, although noticeable to an examiner, did not affect the understanding of the presentation so you will score less in the LR and GRA section, but still within the 6 bracket. There is, specifically, a problem in your understanding of the subject - verb agreement rules when you are writing your sentences.

@wizardA
Thank you for your feedback.
@Holt
Could you please highlight grammar issues in my essay?
Thanks for your feedback.