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More and more animal species are becoming extince by human activies in land and sea.

thuhabk 5 / 10  
Aug 1, 2018   #1
More and more animal species are becoming extince by human activies in land and sea. What are the reasons and solutions?

saving endangered species

Nowadays, a variety of animals is killed by people so they are standing in danger of extinction. The essay below will analyze some major reasons for this stituation, and measures to tackle this problem will be presented.

One of the main causes of this problem is that people have the demans of using animal's parts for many different purposes such as producing medication, cooking the nutrious meals or manufacturing luxury products, etc. This leads negative effects on wildlife, making them stand in danger of extinction. For example, every year in Japan, a big amount of whales is killed to serve luxury restaurants. Hundreds of elephans or rhinors are hunted and taken ivory or horn to produce jewellery such as rings, or medication. In addition, strong development of sea tourism also makes sea environment become seriously pollute. In particular, visitor who could threw away litter into the sea and oil released from boats carrying them are also the other reasons of the extinction of marine animals.

Some measures are suggested to mitigate the stituation. That is the government should further provide strict punisment to prevent the illegal hunting and trading of animals. In addition, it should have many educational programs to heighten individual's awareness in the protection of animals. For examples, people should be taught about how to protect sea and land environment and animal species living there when they were children. As a result, they can understand about the importance of animal species and have a better awareness to preserve the natural environment.

In conclusion, the risk of the extinction of a variety of animals is current urgent problems so that people needs to have effective measures to protect them.

PS: I am learning writting skill for IELTS. Please help me check and review. Thank you very much.
TriceLiu 11 / 25 18  
Aug 2, 2018   #2
Nice essay, Bui! Your essay structure is very clear and easy to follow. Just a few suggestions:

1. ... and measures to tackle this ... present several measures to tackle this problem. Converting passive voice into active one will make your essay less tame and more clear. More important, you should use the same voice in two phrases connected by "and".

2. Be careful in spelling. For example, people have the demans demands of..., nutrious nutritious meals, Hundreds of elephans elephants.

3. Pay attention to collocations. Some words are used together to convey a certain meaning, and none of them should be replaced individually by other words. For example, better to say "This exerts/has a negative effect on wildlife" than to say "This leads negative effects"; Better to say "impose strict punishments" rather than "provide strict punishments". When unsure of whether a phrase sounds natural, you may check it in COCA, a corpus based on contemporary American newspapers, academic works and the like. You can then see whether the phrase is frequently used by native writers. I have found it quite helpful.

Good luck with your IELTS!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,749 3795  
Aug 2, 2018   #3
Bui, this is a direct response essay. The opening paragraph should have represented the prompt as follows:

Certain types of animals have been facing obsolescence. The animals are being eliminated in order to help man survive by killing the animals for food, medicine, and clothes. One way of solving this problem is by better educating the people about the ecosystem balance required for the survival of people, animals, and the planet.

From that point on, you should use the 3 body paragraphs to write an extended discussion covering the following paragraph topic discussions:
1. Why man needs to kill animals in order to survive
2. Examples of how man uses animals to survive and why there is no other choice except to kill the animals.
3. Suggestions as to how the further promotion of animal live preservation can be promoted.

Based on the original prompt, my assessment is that the question requires a 3 body paragraph discussion that includes a presentation of examples prior to the suggestion for solving the problem.

Your discussion is not very coherent nor concise in presentation. The mistakes, as pointed out by @TriceLiuare are accurate. You need to focus less on reviewing for the essay test and build your sentence structure and grammar skills first. If you cannot properly develop sentences and make yourself understood in the essay presentation, then it will be impossible for you to pass the test.
OP thuhabk 5 / 10  
Aug 2, 2018   #4
@TriceLiu and @Holt
Thank you very much for your advice. I look forward to receiving your further advice on my other writing and would like to make friend with you.

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