Ielts writing - Task 2 : Nowadays, many animal species are becoming extinct.

I would like to receive advices and grading from everyone to improve my ielts writing. My target is 7.5+. Thank you very much!

Task 2:
Nowadays, many animal species are becoming extinct. Some people believe that countries and individuals must solve this problem, others believe that human beings are more important.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is true that these days, many species of animals are on the verge of extinction. Thus, many people argue that both authorities and individuals should contribute to the conservation of these species. Meanwhile, there is also a widespread belief that priority should be given to human welfare. As far as I am concerned, I would argue with the statement that more resources need to be allocated to endangered species.

On the one hand, it is incontrovertible that focusing on improving human welfare is of paramount importance. This is because the investment to achieve the conservation objectives is usually of a substantial and long-lasting scale. Meanwhile, the national and local authorities can utilize these abundant sources of money to provide funding for other necessary problems including preventing illiteracy or enhancing healthcare services. Furthermore, it would be also impossible to dictate to the residents to pay attention to something unrelated to them, especially for those who are on a tight budget, in which they have to shoulder an ever-growing financial burden.

On the other hand, it is also noteworthy that the conservation of endangered species in the wild and the improvement of human welfare need to go hand-in-hand. This can be explained that some particular animals also play a crucial role in the maintenance of the ecosystem, which means that the their disappearance can potentially lead to several unprecedented consequences for the environment. For example, bees or butterflies are responsible for numerous agricultural output. Thus the decrement in the number of these animals can push the world to the edge of food or economical crisis. From the livelihood perspective, the promotion of wildlife conservation also efficaciously stimulates the availability of well-paid jobs for indigenous people. Besides, individuals should also play a part, by condemning all forms of animal slaughter and avoiding the consumption of wild animal products.

In conclusion, I concur with the argument that wildlife conservation must not be separated from developing human welfare. Besides, the responsibility of saving endangered animals should be also shared by both government and residents.

There is no need to authenticate a statement that cannot be found in the orginal presentation. If this is a supporting statement for the writer's opinion, then it should be placed alongside that sentence. It currently exists as a scoring negative in terms of accuracy presentation.

I cannot understand why the writer is constantly changing the discussion slant by constantly using corroborative words.These statements are totally unnecessary in a comparative opinion discussion. He will obviously not have a good C + C score since he cannot stick to the discussion instructions. This is a failing score essay based on the low to failing major scoring considerations.

There are more issues with this presentation but these 2 are enough to highlight the task problems that will lead to a failing score, even without other scoring problems added. Fix there 2 problems first. Follow the discussion instructions. Use the comparative argument format.

@Holt
Thank you very much for your advice!