The main problem with this essay is how the writer misinterpreted the writing instructions provided in the writing guide sentence. It clearly says "Discuss both points of view and give your opinion"
. What are the points of view? The 2 public opinions represented by the words
. These are words used alongside the public opinion and reason for each. The job of the writer at this point is to provide his analysis (opinion) of the strenght and validity of each opinion.
Does he support it? Why? If he does not support it, why not? How does his opinion clash or support the public point of view? How valid is his opinion when compared with the public perception? These are the questions that each reasoning paragraph should provide. This is why pronoun differentiation is important in these sorts of discussion. The examiner needs to be clear that comparative discussions on differing and similar opinions are taking place in the paragraphs. Public v. Personal opinion explanations are needed.
As of now, the general opinion provided responds only to the personal opinion aspect rather than the comparative considerations. There are no right or wrong opinions here, only the way the writer views the explanation for each point of view. In a sense, it is a general discussion of differening opinions with personal viewpoints provided for each. This is one time that a single opinion presentation is not warranted.
The reasoning is uneven for the most part and that is why the reasoning will be seen as only being a representative of the writer's opinion. The comparison in the 2nd paragraph is not well presented and is what provides the lack of balance in the discussion presentation. The response format is not properly representative of the discussion requirements.