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IELTS TASK 2: Should animals be kept in zoos? Describe both views and give your own opinion

bachache 1 / 1 3  
Mar 25, 2020   #1

Criticism of zoos

Over the recent years, a range of zoos has been built in order to meet the certain need of entertainment industry. Despite the common belief that zoos do wonders for our life, other criticisms placed emphasis on their radical downsides. In my opinion, zoos are undeniably beneficial; however, I totally agree that animals should not be kept in this environment.

​On the one hand, zoos have been proven to play a pivotal role in our life for a long time. As for children, had it not been for zoos, they could not have met a diversity of animals in the flesh instead of gazing them via televisions. It is the practicality of this place that schools are attempting to replace Biology lessons by zoo trips. Although it is difficult in the sense that hardly can teachers take care of their pupils, this method helps students enhance comprehension and release stress after nerve-racking tasks.

On the other hand, keeping animals in zoos is based on the principle of preservation, yet this approach impedes their wild characteristics. To make it clear, a lion might lose his ability to hunt the preys after a ten-year period staying in a prohibited area. Moreover, with the speedy development of technology, human beings are virtually having the tendency to gravitate towards smart devices. Hereby, the lower income zoo staffs earn, the more inhumane attitudes towards animals they have. Unarguably, wicked treatments pose a threat to animals' vulnerable mentalities. In reality, a variety of zoo creatures suffered from depression because of starvation, isolation and fear of being treated in an unethical way.

​In the grand scheme of this problem, despite their strong suit, zoos are unacceptably violating animals' right. Although these places are still prevalent in the society, I do believe that animals should grow up in their natural habitats since this approach helps improve biodiversity.

P/S: Could you rate my band score since the next month Im about to have an actual IELTS test. I don't know what to improve, may you suggest too...? And last but not least: stay safe and healthy during this pandemic!!!

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,110 3260  
Mar 26, 2020   #2
There is a distinct possibility that you could score within the 5 range with this type of work. The major issues with your paper include an improper prompt restatement (which deducts heavily in the TA section), a lack of properly developed discussion points in the paragraphs (due to an overstatement of reasons instead of developing a singular reason), and an over-writing of words which would affect your ability to review, correct, and finalize your paper within 40 minutes.

A proper prompt restatement does not use information that is not included in the original presentation. This part of the essay is used to test your vocabulary skills, use of synonyms, and your ability to explain information provided to you in a clear and understandable manner. You did not really achieve that in this presentation because the first part of your presentation does not use information as provided. A sample of a proper paraphrase is:

There is a question as to the existence of man cared for animal habitats in today's society. It would appear that there are people who believe that animal sanctuaries have no relevance in these modern times. I find myself in disagreement with this point of view.

An artificial animal environment is important because....

Please note how I transformed the original posting using a clear understanding of the topic. I used alternative representations for the keywords, and I made sure to respond to the given discussion instruction at the end. Based on the given original statement, the total number of sentences for the paraphrase is a total of 3 sentences. In relation to this, I have to tell you that writing 309 words isn't so realistic in the exam setting. Anywhere from 250-290 words would be more sufficient as it would allow you editing time prior to the end of the test. Focus on the clarity of your reasoning paragraphs, not the number of reasons you can provide. You only need one topic sentence per paragraph and one transition sentence at the end to help introduce the next reasoning paragraph topic.

Your essay could not score higher in terms of cohesiveness and coherence because you tried to discuss too much information per paragraph. For the reasoning paragraphs, you are going to be scored on the following:

- Validity of the topic sentence
- Explanation of the topic sentence
- Example that supports the topic sentence
- Additional supporting reason
- Transition sentence into the next paragraph

When you use 2 reasons in a paragraph, the second reason is always one of 2 things, either unrelated to the discussion or, not explained enough in the paragraph due to the 5 sentence limitation. Your first reasoning paragraph suffered from this. You have an unrelated discussion in the way that you suddenly added the following information:

Although it is difficult in the sense that hardly can teachers take care of their pupils, this method helps students enhance comprehension and release stress after nerve-racking tasks.

That is totally unrelated to the given original discussion topic and your reasoning paragraph. Hence, the lower C&C scores. Then, grammar structure problems present itself, which further lowered the possibility of your scoring above a 5.

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