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Yet another CBEST Essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in life


rolandj727 3 / 7  
Jun 12, 2009   #1
I have failed the CBEST writing test twice and I not sure exactly why. Here is an essay that I wrote in 45 minutes using Word but with no spell or grammar checker.

Thanks for you help!

Roland

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Write about an unforgettable person whom you have encountered in your life. What made him or her special? How did their life impact yours in a positive or negative way?

Mike Parsons was writing on the black borad clearly but very fast. The preliminary design of a new ship sprang to life on the board. Clearly, brilliantly he progress through each technical step of a preliminay design, with each step followed one after the other like soldiers marching in rows. Hydodynamics, propulsion, and ship size all were defined from his strings of calculations. These calculatons had defined a ship, a real ship that could travel around the world's oceans carring products that people wanted. I was inspired, this is want I want to be able to do, this was a career for me.

As a new engineer in the Department of Naval Architecture the man at the borad, who was head of the department of Naval Architiure, made a very postive and direct impact on my career decision. Dr Parsons was major factor in me making up my mind to become a professinal career Naval Architect. How did he do this you ask? There are three reasons, his extensive knowledge of the subject, his great teaching skills and his energy.

Dr Parsons was clearly brilliant and had worked for the Navy designing ships for years. His real life experence had make his personnel knowledge base extensive. He could easly teach you about academic aspects of a design and in the next minute he could take about operational issues a ship might experence at sea. He would be able to discuss computer programs that helped with design calculations for ship shape and speed, in the next breath he could tell you how to clean soot off old boiler pipes at sea.

As a teacher Dr Parsons was excellent because he was very interesting, provided clear directions on how to do things and he made complex topic simple to understand. He gave out extensive notesbooks that contained writings that were taken from an number of books, plus his own writings to help student to understand material. The notebooks were designed to teach you exactly what you need to know, in a simple straight forward way without any additional and confusing information. His students in industry still use this notes since they are so helpful.

One could discribe him as an energy machine. He bubbled over in class with excitement and interest even when he was teaching stubject he has gone over for years. If you had a question he would always be ready to help you paciently teaching you what you didn't understand. His energy was infectious to all his students. We happly worked on big design projects for the class despite the evenings and weekends it took to complete them. He energy made people want to study and keep them excited about the class.

As a teacher Dr. Parsons was brillant person, a great teacher and engeryizing for students. He was a major reason that I become a professional naval architect. After taking his class I felt that I was knowledgeable enough to go out into the world and be a naval artitect. That felt that I had the skills and experence to work for a company and do well. I had well founded confidence based on this older students who were all doing well out in industry that I was ready for industry. As final proof of his impact on me, I am writing about him 30 years later.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jun 12, 2009   #2
The essay seems pretty good for a 45 minute job. You have some minor grammar and spelling issues, but they don't detract from the reader's ability to follow your points. The organization is standard, and you answer the prompt well enough. Was this the same topic you wrote on for one of the tests you failed?
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jun 12, 2009   #3
I agree that the essay is quite good. It's very vivid with a variety of sentence structures. There are errors, but not so significant as to interfere with your meaning. Here are some suggested corrections:

I was inspired; this is wha t I want to be able to do; this was a career for me.

He bubbled over in class with excitement and interest, even when he was teaching a subject he had gone over for years.
OP rolandj727 3 / 7  
Jun 12, 2009   #4
This is not the essay that I wrote for the CBEST test. I have been working to improve since then and I hope I am getting better.

Thanks for taking time to read this and providing comments.

Now to try another essay, to see if I can keep up the pace.

Thanks,

Roland


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