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IELTS: 'The apple never falls far from the tree' - Parents should teach children


19epuzam 2 / 5 3  
Jun 14, 2014   #1
Please check and give a band score. Thanks in advance!

Topic:Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

The apple never falls far from the tree seems to be true. The methods of upbringing have always been raising long-standing debates. While some people argue that children must be taught at school to be a good person, some others claim this idea is totally wrong because children spent most of their time at home with their families. Therefore, I too believe that the personality of a child is mainly formed at home and depends on parents.

Of course, I have to admit that children and schools are interrelated. They receive essential education at school. For instance: We learn history which teaches us politics. Without knowing our past we can't know who we really are. History is a school of life which expands world-view. However I think that to be a good person principally depends on our family. Parents are the ones whom we really want to be like and they are perfect role models for us. We are witnessing how they treat other people and adopt it subconsciously. To give an example, I had a friend at the university who constantly stood me up and eventually betrayed me. I was shocked when I saw that his father was behaving exactly like him. Сonsequently, realized that he was copying his father's behavior. Also according to the survey carried out by BBC, it was discovered that children who see their parents drunk are twice as likely to regularly get drunk themselves.

Having weighed up both sides of the argument, I would say that poor parental supervision raises the likelihood of teenage drinking and etc problems. Parents are the first ones who bear great responsibility before the society. Due to good parents world becomes a better place to live among kind and conscientious adolescents.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 14, 2014   #2
Therefore, I too believe that the personality of a child is mainly formed at home and depends on parents.

It would be better to mention why you took this position. Based on what main issues you think parents influence socialization process more effectively than teachers?

Although you are good in grammar, in a real IELTS test your mark would be very low, if you write a one-body paragraph essay. You need at least TWO body paragraphs to support your ideas. Is this an "agree or disagree" topic? If yes, you do not need to cover both viewpoints stated in the topic, just focus on YOUR OWN OPINION, either agree or disagree with the topic.

This body paragraph does not have a good topic sentence. A topic sentence includes two main parts: General idea and precise idea. So, stick to this structure to make it clear for the reader what you want to say through a paragraph.

If the topic asked you to discuss both viewpoints and give your opinion, you should have allocated one paragraph to each opinion, and then pointed out your own opinion in concluding paragraph.

Let's assume the topic was an "agree or disagree" one. So, I recommend you to follow the structure written below:
Introduction: Motivator+ thesis statement+your own opinion+ blueprint (the reasons why you are in agreement/disagreement with the topic. It must be very short, 2 or 3 words)

Body paragraph one (topic sentence+supporting sentence+ concluding sentence (optional)
Body paragraph two
Conclusion: reword the thesis statement+clincher

Actually, you wrote a good introduction, and i also liked your supporting sentences, but there were some issues with the essay's structure that I stated above.

Hope this helps,
Good luck,
Ahmad
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Jun 14, 2014   #3
Without knowing our past ( a comma) we can't (no contracted form) know who we really are you need more details for this issue

realized that he was copying his father's behavior

an incomplete sentence

Due to good parents world becomes a better place to live among kind and conscientious adolescents

an incomplete sentence

Make sure you write a subject-verb agreement very well
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jun 14, 2014   #4
If the topic asked you to discuss both viewpoints and give your opinion, you should have allocated one paragraph to each opinion, and then pointed out your own opinion in concluding paragraph.

this is right, you should put two sides paragraphs which contain different views, also, you should put a conclusion
OP 19epuzam 2 / 5 3  
Jun 14, 2014   #5
What do you mean by incomlete sentence? I really didn't get that. Can you explain by an example, please
OP 19epuzam 2 / 5 3  
Jun 14, 2014   #6
But I have read that in a persuasive/argument essay I should include Concession Statements (address opposing viewpoints!) :
concession: If you're writing a persuasive piece, you might consider beginning with a
concession--that is, by beginning with an acknowledgement of part of your opponent's
argument as being valid. Remember that a concession is not a form of weakness. In
fact a concession is a strength as it finds common ground with your opponent and
establishes your ethical appeal: you are a reasonable person willing to listen
to/acknowledge that there are more sides to an issue than yours.
**You can't ignore compelling opposing evidence. You must address strong
arguments on the other side; if you don't, it looks like you are not well prepared and
have not looked at the issue you are writing about from all perspectives.**
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 14, 2014   #7
Can you please post the full prompt to see what type of topic it is?? if it is "agree or disagree" you need to just take one position, because of "OR". The "OR" means that you can either be in agreement OR disagreement with the statement. If it is a topic that asked you to argue two different viewpoints, you needed one paragraph for each, as I mentioned earlier. In each paragraph you have to provide some supporting sentences for each side of the discussion, each paragraph needs its own topic sentence.

You can continue writing your essays using the same structure you applied on this essay, but believe me, this structure is not appropriate for the IELTS test.

Good luck
Ahmad
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jul 10, 2014   #8
Well...ideally you should have four paras (or more) for this task that contain the introduction, 2 body paras (minimum - ideally 3) and a conclusion. I think it is better if you pay a little more attention to your essay approach as you need to follow a more appropriate essay structure to earn the best marks within the time given for performing the task. You have to be mindful about the time when you are preparing for this task.
Misnariah Idrus 19 / 35 4  
Jul 12, 2014   #9
Therefore, I too believe that the personality of a child is mainly formed at home and depends on parents.

I think, the use of "too" indicates negative sense. So, you should use "do" instead of "too" in order to give emphasize.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Jul 16, 2014   #10
For this essay, I think one body paragraph is not enough to cover all the question from the prompt. Write two body paragraphs.
Para 1:

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society

Para 2:

Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

For instance:

Make sure you write very specific example. This can be started by using journalistic questions: what, who, where, when, result, how many... By this, I believe that you will present a detail example. Good luck :D


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