Therefore, I too believe that the personality of a child is mainly formed at home and depends on parents.
It would be better to mention why you took this position. Based on what main issues you think parents influence socialization process more effectively than teachers?
Although you are good in grammar, in a real IELTS test your mark would be very low, if you write a one-body paragraph essay
. You need at least TWO body paragraphs
to support your ideas. Is this an "agree or disagree" topic? If yes, you do not need to cover both viewpoints stated in the topic, just focus on YOUR OWN OPINION, either agree or disagree with the topic.
This body paragraph does not have a good topic sentence. A topic sentence includes two main parts: General idea and precise idea
. So, stick to this structure to make it clear for the reader what you want to say through a paragraph.
If the topic asked you to discuss both viewpoints and give your opinion, you should have allocated one paragraph to each opinion, and then pointed out your own opinion in concluding paragraph.
Let's assume the topic was an "agree or disagree" one. So, I recommend you to follow the structure written below:
Introduction: Motivator+ thesis statement+your own opinion+ blueprint (the reasons why you are in agreement/disagreement with the topic. It must be very short, 2 or 3 words)
Body paragraph one (topic sentence+supporting sentence+ concluding sentence (optional)
Body paragraph two
Conclusion: reword the thesis statement+clincher
Actually, you wrote a good introduction, and i also liked your supporting sentences, but there were some issues with the essay's structure that I stated above.
Hope this helps,