Hi. I'm preparing to take GRE 2months later from now. I know still far to catch the good score but if I have a chance to gain your kind advise, I would be better writer soon. My weakest point is poor grammar. Thanks.
Topic: The following appeared in a memo from a budget planner for the City of Grandview. "To avoid a budget deficit next year, the City of Grandview must eliminate its funding for the Grandview Symphony. Our citizens are well aware of the fact that while the Grandview Symphony Orchestra was struggling to succeed, our city government promised annual funding to help support its programs. Last year, however, private contributions to the Symphony increased by 200 percent, and attendance at the Symphony's concerts-in-the-park series doubled. The Symphony has also announced an increase in ticket prices for next year. Such developments indicate that the Symphony can now succeed without funding from city government and we can eliminate that expense from next year's budget. This action will surely prevent a budget deficit."
In this memo, the author claims that the City of Grandview must eliminates its funding for the Grandview symphony in order to avoid a budget deficit next year. However a careful analysis of author reveals several flaws in it, which render it unconvincing.
First, the author assumes that annual funding supports the Grandview symphony will increase from its growing private contributions for it and the number of attendance last year and the City does not need to support them with its budget. However, even though the number of attendance at the Symphony's concert- in- the- park series increased twice as big as before, if the admission tickets are free or considerably cheap for the people to attend the concerts, it would have nothing to do with Symphony's profit and in this case, the Symphony still may need budget from the City of Grandview. Moreover, even if the private contributions has increased by 200 percent, if the initial number of contributors are only small or the scale of the contribution was only miniscule to begin with, increasing by 200 percent of contribution from privates may not be sufficiently helpful for them to manage the Symphony next years.
Second, the author also hastily assumes that symphony which announced an increase in its ticket price next year will gain more revenue and by doing so, the Symphony will succeed without funding of the City. Nonetheless, even if they announced they planned to double the price of its tickets, it may possible that the symphony does not make it true to increase its price. Moreover, even if the Symphony increase its ticket price next year, if people do not want to buy ticket which suddenly increase its price and feel unfairness, the annual income from the tickets of the Symphony may not increase but only fail to manage.
Lastly, the author reveals his logical flaw by considering that the City of Grandview could prevent its budget deficit by eliminating the expense for Symphony. However, it is possible that the City of Grandview suffer from the budget deficit, because of its undesirable budget policies or planning of big construction in the city, not because of the cost of managing Symphony which has only miniscule rate of whole city budget a year. In this case, the City of Grandview may not expect the effect in avoiding the budget deficiency only at the cost of Symphony's financial damage.
In conclusion, the author's assertion is logically unconvincing as it stands. In order to strengthen the claim, the author should prove Symphony's success without City's aid is possible and which can alleviate the budget deficit properly with more information in detail and evidences. By doing so, the assertion of the author would be more convincing.
Use ATTENDANTS instead of attendence:
However, even though the number of attendants at...
I see that sometimes you capitalize the word symphony and other times you do not:
Second, the author also hastily assumes that symphony which announced an increase in its ticket price next year will gain more revenue and by doing so, the Symphony will succeed without funding of the City. ----I think it is better to not capitalize it. The word symphony is a common noun.
However, it is possible that the City of Grandview may suffer from the budget deficit, because
Do not capitalize symphony or city:
In order to strengthen the claim, the author should prove that the symphony's success is possible without the city's aid and that it can alleviate the budget deficit properly. The author should provide more information and evidence. ----:-) I made some changes here.
