It is an argue whether businesses have to be responsible for their effect on society or not

As well as making money, business also have social responsibilities.

Do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that whether businesses have to be responsible for their effect on society or just focus on making money. In my opinion, although earning money play an important role in their career, they should also have social responsibilities.

On the one hand, the profit what company make help to bring benefits for society as a whole. Firstly, all enterprises must pay tax for government which is spent on community welfare such as hospitals, schools and so on. Secondly, businesses provide jobs for employees. That means if the companies expand and make more profit, they not only provide more job opportunities for workers but also help them to improve the quality of life. For example, more It is argued that whether businesses have to be responsible for their effect on society or just focus on making money. In my opinion, although earning money play an important role in their career, they should also have social responsibilities.

On the one hand, the profit what company make help to bring benefits for society as a whole. Firstly, all enterprises must pay tax for government which is spent on community welfare such as hospitals, schools and so on. Secondly, businesses provide jobs for employees. That means if the companies expand and make more profit, they not only provide more job opportunities for workers but also help them to improve the quality of life. For example, more and more foreign firms invest in Vietnam which make the rate of unemployed in cities considerable decreases.

On the other hand, nowadays the environment degradation stems from factory emission and disposal waste puts human being and other animals in danger and risk of extinct. If they do not regard this problem, all mankind must unavoidably perish. The Formosa company is an example for this condition. This corporation discharged a huge amount of waste into the ocean of Viet Nam which resulted in serious damage in ecosystem and affected on people's health living near there. On the contrary, many businesses who have the high awareness in society responsibilities spend their revenue to help less fortune those. For instance, Bill gate gave almost his fortune to charity organisations for save millions children in Africa from famine.

In conclusion, making profit is fundamental principal of business, they should understand that their development how meaningful is on society. More foreign firms invest in Vietnam which make the rate of unemployed in cities considerable decreases.

On the other hand, nowadays the environment degradation stems from factory emission and disposal waste puts human being and other animals in danger and risk of extinct. If they do not regard this problem, all mankind must unavoidably perish. The Formosa company is an example for this condition. This corporation discharged a huge amount of waste into the ocean of Viet Nam which resulted in serious damage in ecosystem and affected on people's health living near there. On the contrary, many businesses who have the high awareness in society responsibilities spend their revenue to help less fortunate those. For instance, Bill gate gave almost his fortune to charity organisations for saving millions children in Africa from famine.

In conclusion, making profit is fundamental principal of business, they should understand that their development how meaningful is on society.
Please help me to find mistakes in this essay. Thank you so much

Just from a superficial view of your essay, I observed a few things immediately:

1) You have overused "on the other hand" and "on the one hand" too many times
2) Your third to last paragraph begins with "in conclusion" yet it is not the last paragraph
3) You used "in conclusion" again in the final paragraph
4) I am still not clear based on your final paragraph if you agree or disagree

"tax to run the government"
"provide job for employees"=>"eradicate/substantially reduce the problem of unemployment"
"affected on people"
"fortunate those ones"
"gave almost his fortune", how much, I bet Bill Gates will not give his entire fortune :)
Use Recapitulating instead of in conclusion
Make your conclusion clear as stated by @terminal 28

Nguyen, your essay will fail due to several formatting problems. The first is that you have a redundant opening statement paraphrase, neither of which has a direct response to the agree/disagree question. You need to respond to the question with the provided choice answer to make sure that you score accurately on the TA part. The second paragraph is just a repeat of the first one, hence you created a 6 paragraph essay when the requirement is a 5 paragraph essay.

You over discuss your paragraphs as well. Each paragraph must have only 1 subject topic per paragraph with the explanations and supporting evidence counting no more than 5 sentences, but no less than 3 sentences per paragraph. Even with your paragraphs being of the run on and extremely long explanation type, your paragraphs are still under developed, little explained, and hard to keep track of. When this happens 2 scoring sections are affected, the C&C and GRA scores receive deductions.

Let us just pretend that this mess of an essay does not exist. You have a chance to properly develop a good essay using a different topic for your next practice test. Before you do that though, you may want to consider reading the numerous Task 2 writing samples at this forum in order to get a better idea as to how to approach the writing tasks. That way you learn about the mistakes of others and why you should not be making the same mistakes in your presentation. It is a fast and efficient way to learn.