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'I argue that children's behavior does not rely on by television' - IELTS WRITING TASK 2


Anfalia 40 / 56 23  
Sep 20, 2014   #1
These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behavior.
Do you agree or disagree?


Children are nation's expectation and media are sources of knowledge for the development of nation. Recently, an enhancing the amount of violence on the media such as television influenced the negative side of children's behavior because as the reality that children's sense is imitating. Although this surely authentic for some people, I argue that children's behavior does not rely on by television; parents and educational stakeholders have more main role in this case.

Media and other affects related to that are common things in this era. And children are the victim of this aspect. At their age imitation is one of main characteristics which could not be denied. The common children's imitation is from television. By watching the various kinds of programs on the television, children tend to imitate what they had watched. Becoming as the real actor of their idol is their hard expectation. No wonder they act and have style as their idol. This is good when they imitate in appropriate way, but is what inappropriate program such as violence and criminal about? Absolutely the highest probability to imitate it could be happen to the children. As an obvious example of this can be seen that if children watch crime news, they will interest to imitate as they have high sense of that. Indirectly that is called by a natural education. While the children watch that news, their mind may be thought that it is style, so that is matter for them to imitate. Conversely, children should have accompanies to watch any kinds of program on television, so who has right to select the program is not the children but the other who can control them.

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cy20070324 2 / 2 1  
Sep 20, 2014   #2
Children are nation's expectation and media are sources of knowledge for the development of nation. Recently, an enhancing the amount of violence on the media such as television influenced the negative side of children's behavior because as the reality that children's sense is imitating. Although this surely authentic for some people, I argue that children's behavior does not rely on by television; parents and educational stakeholders have more main role in this case.

You made good efforts regarding the thesis statement. I can spot it out at once because you adopted phrases such as Although..., I argue. Sorry, but to me, there are too many grammatical errors in this paragraph, e.g. "an enhancing the amount", "such as television influenced", " this surely authentic". The same mistakes abound throughout your essay, which, unfortunately hinder understanding.

Overall, I must congratulate you on your endeavors to stake out your position clearly and your use of connectives. Your restatement of your thesis in the last paragraph also demonstrates that your were trying to be coherent.

However, maybe you can proofread your essay more carefully before submission, this way, others can provide more substantial help to you because they can grasp what you intend to express.
ritairianti 3 / 12 4  
Sep 28, 2014   #3
In introduction paragraph, I suggest you to write 2 sentence.

- 1 sentence to paraphrase the issues/ the statement
- 1 sentence to make opinion about the issue (for instance: your agree/ disagree/ partially agree/ partially disagree)
It makes examiner know clearly your topic and your opinion.


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