In the past, most people lived in small villages where everyone knew everyone else. Nowadays, most people live in large cities where they only know a few people in their area.
What do you think were the advantages and disadvantages of living in a small community?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.
life on suburbs or in a city
Today, large number of humans reside in urban place while conversely, most people in the past lived in suburb area where they knew each other closely. I would argue that dwelling in small village had several merits and demerits.
Needless to say, emotional connection between people living in small community were more closely each other. It was because they lived in small area which require them to interact each other in more intense way. Taking my experience as an example, when I visited a remote village in South Sulawesi for a research purpose. At the time, there was a funeral ceremony and interestingly, the whole occupants in the area joined together to supply all needs for the family who are in grief without expecting any rewards for their help. The community undoubtedly reflect the strong emotional relation in small community environment. In addition, inhabitants in village tend to have a good quality of health because they accustomed to breath of fresh air without exposing by air pollution. As such, they will be more active and will be automatically got a low level of stress.
However, there are drawbacks of living in small community faced by the inhabitants. Firstly, they had a limited social networks due to the situations where they lived only involved small number of people. As their interaction pattern only circle in one minor and limited scope of society. Then, the dwellers got less education and job opportunities. For instance, most of young people in small village in Kabaena Island only get their education up to the level of highschool. As a result, they were only hired for a blue-collar jobs since they don't have a higher education background. Not only this, recent research reveals that people living in village tend to experience poverty in their life.
The aforementioned evidences show the two sides of drawbacks and benefits for people who reside in small village. However, I believe that those drawbacks can be reduced by equalizing the development in large city and small village.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,250 4653
Hi Ainun. I would like to commend you on the very good job that you did in writing this essay. You showed a great deal of English comprehension skills when it came to addressing the task requirements of the prompt. While your English language presentation was not perfect, it was not stressful to the reader either. It was just enough to get your message across coherently and cohesively. Your word choices were not advanced, but they were not too simple either. The simplicity of your sentences showed an intermediate grasp of how to compose an English sentence.
The main problem with your essay is that your introduction and concluding paragraphs are too short. These paragraphs need to be at least 3 sentences long in order to get a minimally higher score. Writing 5 coherent sentences would result in an increased task accuracy score on your end. Specially since in this essay, you were able to use a number of personal experiences to illustrate your point. The evidences were strong because these were based on personal experience, which displayed an even clearer understanding of the prompt on your part. One point of correction though, you are never to introduce a new idea in the concluding paragraph. That is not allowed because the conclusion is just supposed to end the discussion by summarizing the earlier statements. The academic rules do not allow for the introduction of a new idea in the conclusion because that would require further discussion and evidence in a writing test that only allows for a maximum of 5 paragraphs in the discussion.
Overall, this type of essay would probably garner you a score of 6 or slightly higher, but not lower, in the actual test. You have the potential to get a higher score. Just keep practicing. Don't let up. It will pay off in the future.
Nice writing. Just to share with you the comments I can figure out.
interact usually works with 'with', interact with [somebody/something].
which require them to interacteach other in more intense way
'due to the fact' is more common way.
they had a limited social networks due to the situations where they lived only ...
Hope it helps:)
Thank you very much for correcting my writing, that is a very kind of you correcting the whole parts of my essay. I hope I can get higher score in real test.
I still confuse on how to compose a good thesis statement on this type of question, though. Do you have any suggestion for me? Should I mention some of the advantage and disadvantage that I am going to write on my essay?
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,250 4653
An effective thesis statement is one that paraphrases the prompt while delivering a personal understanding on your part of the required discussion points of the essay. These are normally presented within 3-5 sentences but do not include any factual information that you will be discussing in the body of the essay. An example of this properly developed prompt would be as follows:
Up till recently, it was pretty common for people to live in small villages where everyone is familiar with one another. These days though, people have taken to living in large cities where they rarely know their neighbors. Based upon the new living ideology, certain advantages and disadvantages have resulted from living in a small community. In this essay, I will be presenting information that will help to determine the advantages and disadvantages of living in a small community based upon my personal knowledge and experience.
If this were an opinion essay, the fifth sentence would have contained a presentation of my opinion.