Hi Ainun, I think what you wrote completely deviated from the topic. The topic did not ask you about the importance of one international language, it is about the best age someone can learn a foreign language. You need to highlight the keywords of a prompt first, then, start writing it. The keywords in this topic are "studying a foreign language" and "age". This topic does not say that a foreign language should be replaced with local languages. You should have argued about the statement that why some parents believe that it is better to start teaching their children a feign language in the early grads in schools, if you are in agreement with them, then say why you think this is a good idea, if not so why not. You did not point out anything about "age" which is one of the main points stated in the prompt.
I would argue that globalization influences people to learn foreign language, English language specially. Result shows that about 1,500,000,000 people in the world speak in English, and around 1,000,000,000 people are studying it. Moreover, almost all of international conferences and international competitions are held in English language, Olympiad for example. Although this can help people to communicate with foreigners, traditional language is abandoned.
This paragraph gives some statistics about the popularity of English language all around the world, but it does not say anything about the age of learning a language. by the way, you claimed that this situation will jeopardize the life of local languages but you did not say why. You need to support whatever you say in a body paragraph.
I strongly believe that this has both positive and detrimental effects.
The topic asked you "to what extend do you agree OR
disagree"? It means "either agree or disagree" and you need to take one side and argue over it.
Hope this helps.