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It is argued that knowledge should be spread publicly amongst the academic world

hathao1307 2 / 3  
Nov 9, 2020   #1

Should important information be shared or not?

It is argued that knowledge should be spread publicly amongst the academic world, whilst other assume that several specific informatuon must be confidential to the authorities solely. This essay will discuss both views and offer my opinion.

Proponent of the former assumption mught believe tha informatuon should be open to the public for a number of reason. Firstly, publicized information allows people to broaden their horizon. This is because of the ever-growing demand for indepth understanding of specific subjects, which is inevitably associated with the exponential development of science and technology. For instance, university pupils might find it challenging searching for specialized information given the only available source being library books abd common websites. Therefore, academically qualified knowlege from institutions will come in handy. Secondly, the fact that information is omnipresent also benefit reseachers and scientists. To be specific, surveys conducted on citizens or other science - related activities should aim to assist people and the society, which is why a reliable data base should be widely accessible.

Opponent of the aforementioned statement might believe differently. To begin with, strictly controlled information prevents readers from becoming overwhelmed and misled. For example, given the demand for vaccines and remedy during pandemics, fraudulent news may distract people with untested results of drugs from medical institutions, posing unpredictable threats. Moreover, authorities' endeavor to provide citizens with selective and exact information is a sign of successful collaboration, communication and mutual trust.

To conclude, I strongly believe that people should be given access to a comprehensive yet profound and sufficient information resource.

thanhtrung97 5 / 11 3  
Nov 9, 2020   #2
I think it's better to show equal discussions for each body. For example, in body 1, you provide 2 support sentences ("firstly,..." and "secondly,...") along with examples but you do not in body 2.

You should build a complex sentence for your support sentence ("firstly,..."), instead of spreading 3 sentences for just 1 idea.
DoctorWho - / 46 29  
Nov 9, 2020   #3

You have extremely good content material with excellent examples to support both statements.
There are some grammatical and few spelling errors that I notice at a glance. I am sure that if you pay more closer attention, you can correct them.

In your first para where you speak for open access to knowledge and information, rather than saying it would be difficult for university students to work with limited data access, you can frame the sentence highlighting the advantage. You are supporting the statement using double negative. I would suggest to stick with the positive.

Example - For instance, university students with free unlimited access to information excel in their fields by having a better understanding of the subject compared to their peers with limited access to knowledge. They are able to be make well informed decisions to further their research and career and in turn uplift the society as capable citizens.

Good Luck!! :)
OP hathao1307 2 / 3  
Nov 10, 2020   #4
Thank you so much for your comment, it helps alot!!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,091 3253  
Nov 10, 2020   #5
For the opening paraphrase, it is always best to present this in 3-5 sentences. That way you accomplish several things. Using 2 sentences to present each public point of view shows that you have a total understanding of the division of discussion points. You will also be able to more properly explain the upcoming discussion points and refer to the need for you to present your personal opinion in the presentation. These will all combine to help you get a better TA score due to clear topic presentations, sentence formation, and opinion presentation.

What I did not notice is that you wrote 257 words in this essay, which is only 7 words over the minimum requirement. That means you had enough time to proof read and perfect your work if you chose to do so. However, you chose not to review, edit, and perfect your presentation. That is why you left the essay with severe spelling problems, grammar issues, and clarity problems in your discussion. The severe nature of these errors, plus the wrong concluding presentation (it should be at least 2 sentences made up of 40 words) means that your essay cannot achieve a passing band score.
rayanm729 2 / 3 1  
Nov 10, 2020   #6
Well done on answering the question and providing sufficient evidence for your views. You also explained your points well in your body paragraphs. One note i would make is for your introduction; instead of saying 'This essay will discuss both views and offer my opinion.', try to be more detailed in your thesis statement and include relevant information that coincides with your body paragraphs, as this is the most important sentence of your entire essay. This is quite a generic and overused phrase that the examiner will look over.

For your conclusion, this is usually a paraphrased expression of your introduction, restate the question in your own words, and further explain what you discussed and how your opinion was included.

Good luck!!
thuhienng 2 / 2  
Nov 10, 2020   #7
You have written the essay in a sufficient amount of words which is a good point. However I would recommend dividing the paragraphs more evenly.

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