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ARGUEMENTATIVE ESSAY: CRIME PUNISHMENT FOR YOUNGSTERS. I'm pro applying yet harsher actions.


Thanhtam2412 1 / 2  
Dec 3, 2018   #1
"In recent years, many countries have become extremely concerned about the increase in crimes committed by young people. Tough measures and strict punishments are necessary to stop the youth from re-offending.

Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Write an essay (about 250 words) to express your opinion."

I will sit for the IELTS test in February 2019. Hope you can give me advices and score on my essay.
Many thanks.

a tougher punishment should be considered



Over the last few decades, there has been a dramatic spate of crimes carried out by the youth that called for more serious and severe punishment in order to ameliorate the situation. Personally, I strongly advocate for applying harsher actions to these cases.

Firstly, as a consequence, recidivism is more thoroughly eliminated. After experiencing a tough punishment, those uncomfortable remained feelings will be effective in preventing any thoughts of re-committing. Moreover, they also play a key role in shaping the unawared young minds about complying with the laws later on in their lives. In short, stricter rules act as a long-term prevention to this alarming social malady.

Secondly, understanding what offenders have to suffer will make teenagers develop their social awareness and responsibility. At the very young age, if students are well-informed about the serious extent of crime punishment, they will apply stricter rules to themselves to avoid acting against the laws. Hence, these kinds of punishing maybe the most practical role models for the youth.

Opponents of my point of view may claim that young people do not deserve harsh laws as they should be given more chances. There are some moral values grounding this statement, however, long-term social security is a substantial drawback. In adulthood, everyone has already been assigned with adequate responsibility and awareness to abide the given rules. What is more, lower level of severity means several crimes are bound to happen again as an obvious result.

In conclusion, with the view of protecting the nations from these incidents, I completely believe that tougher punishment should be brought about in the foreseeable future.

bilis 2 / 3 1  
Dec 4, 2018   #2
It is pretty good. Except from a few errors here and there.

... the youth. that This has called for ...

Firstly, as a consequence, recidivism will ... punishment. those These uncomfortable memories remained feelings will be ... of re-committing a crime.

Moreover In addition, severe punishment they also plays a key role in shaping the unawared young minds ...

... offenders have to suffer go through will make teenagers develop their become more socially awareness and responsible.

At the very young age, If students are well informed ... punishments at a very young age, they will apply ...

Hence, these kinds of ... the youth. these punishments become a very good way to deter the youth from crime.

the given to the rules.

... should be brought about come into effect in the foreseeable future.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,303 1841  
Dec 4, 2018   #3
Ta, make sure that you are using words that are actually found in an English dictionary. Do not make up terms such as "unawared". There is no such word, but there is such a term as "unaware" or "unawares" in the English dictionary, both UK and American dictionary versions. Your essay also suffers from a lack of clarity in its paragraph / sentence presentations.

It would be better if you used actual topic sentences as the first sentence of every paragraph instead of counting out your discussion numbers. That is not going to help increase your scoring consideration because those are regular memorized writing styles of ESL learners. In order to prove that you have an advanced grasp of the English language, you should not be using elementary transition styles such as counting. Use transition sentences and subject sentences instead for the last sentence of every paragraph and first sentence of every paragraph respectively.

Use emotional responses such as "I strong advocate" only when responding to extent essays. This single opinion essay would have done very well without the exaggerated response. A simple agree/disagree sentence would have sufficed. This is a single opinion essay so a comparison discussion regarding those who do not share your POV was totally unnecessary and only pulled down your overall scoring consideration in the process.

You basically have the foundation to build upon your English writing skills. You just need to better understand how the Task 2 essays are written, based on specific prompt requirements, samples of which you can easily find at this forum for your reference.
OP Thanhtam2412 1 / 2  
Dec 4, 2018   #4
Thank you for your helpful comment. Can you give me a specific score for my essay? I'm trying to get 7.0-7.5 but I don't know where I am at.


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