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IELTS Writing - Argument - "Is country music more important than the International Music"


Srkrishnan 2 / 4  
Feb 28, 2014   #1
Greetings Forum Members,

Here's my second post for the day. I chose to present an argument on the topic mentioned in the subject.
I spent close to 42 minutes to complete it. Kindly highlight necessary corrections and rate the write up on the following grounds : Grammar, punctuations, relevance and unnecessary/awkward sentences. Do feel free to provide your valuable tips.

Q : Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?


My take : MUSIC - An activity that has helped many to relax, heal mental illness and for some it has been the bread and butter. Perhaps, one may wonder if the art of music was always so dynamic. The answer to that is NO.

In early ages, Music used to be a recreational entertainment for the upper class, a tradition for families and a medium to communicate with a larger audience or express emotions. The music produced now-a-days and its purpose is completely different from what it was in the yester years.

Volatility in notes and chords, lyrics with profanity and commercial success of the music label are some of the traits of the music produced today. An increasing trend of this may suppress the access to some of the most beautifully played pieces of the past by legends like Vivaldi, Beethoven and Mozart. Apart from pushing the traditional music and its legendary composers to the grave, modern music has also been reported to have a severe change in people's psychology.

It is agreed that different types of music and a wide variety of choices in the music genre exposes people to different traditions and cultures of other communities. However, what is the evidence that international music has served a bigger cause like that? Most of the music produced today has added as one of the reasons that cause hearing impairment and mental nausea. As such how can such fusion of music or modern music be considered more important than the classic and traditional music of the past?

Maybe it is better to hold on to our grandparent's vinyl records to enjoy a smooth melody and relax our minds and most importantly not have any impact on our sensory organs.

agi 13 / 30 4  
Feb 28, 2014   #2
MUSIC - An activity that has helped many to relax, heal mental illness and for some it has been the bread and butter. Perhaps, one may wonder if the art of music was always so dynamic. The answer to that is NO.

i highly recommend you to read other essay until you get familiar with formatting and figure of essay. You should have strong reason on why we need music. Moreover, you need to write agree or disagree essay on topic of how important is traditional music from international music with strong reasons.

Please write it one more time.
kridUessay 2 / 15 5  
Mar 1, 2014   #3
I agree with agi!
Here's my suggestion. Overall, it's still unclear, and the reader may not figure out your thesis statement.
In each paragraph, you should try to give more details and examples to strengthen your argument.
As of now, it's a little bit too short.

In your introduction, try to state and clarify your thesis statement vividly.
Hope this help :)
OP Srkrishnan 2 / 4  
Mar 2, 2014   #4
Thank you for your honest opinion guys. I certainly have a lot to improve on. I'll come back with more essays for more feedback later on..

Do let me know if my content had grammatical errors or if you could help me with the main structure of the task 2 essays.
TY.
Arun0506 27 / 120 34  
Mar 4, 2014   #5
Hi Srkrishnan,
In my personal view you have good range of vocabulary and many point with supporting examples, however you should follow the essay structure prescribed by Dumi and Pahan above. This is will help you to organize your ideas in a coherent manner. Good Luck for your writings !!!

yester years.

yesteryear This is a single word like yesterday

Regards,
Arun


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